Thursday, January 2, 2014

When I Was in 7th Grade and Asked For My Life To Be Exactly Like Sex and The City...

I meant for it to be a little less like this scene (Before Big rescues Carrie in Paris from evil ballerina turned MMA fighter Aleksandr Petrovsky...)

And a little more like this scene:

or this one:

and obviously this scene:

We all want this:  perfect outfit, great legs, killer shoes...and a Beyonce level of hair flip.
I know I always bring a ginormous fan with me when I walk in the city...what?  You don't?
So.  Sad.

But what HBO and Mark Cherry so callously neglected to tell 7th grade Erin was that you will experience far less scenes of romantic bliss with the likes of the uuber seksay Chris Noth (is it bad that I still think he's hot?  No we're not 30 years apart or anything...I digress) and a lot more times like the time Carrie stepped in actual dog crap in Paris.  My Loubs shudder at the thought.  No one told 7th grade Erin (except my mom and dad, but what did/do they honestly know about the real world?  Carrie and Co. know all) that the most honest, real scenes are the ones where Miranda is talking about her law degree and how men won't date her because of it.  No one told you that the infamous scene where Charlotte bellows, "I've been dating since I was 15, where is he?" will actually haunt your dreams.  No one told you that the most real scenes were when Samantha's premonition about Richard cheating on her is actually not psychotic mumbojumbo but actually something that will happen to you on multiple occasions.  (In mine and Samantha's experiences--if you think he's with someone else...he probably is.  You're Welcome.) 

Let's talk about Bigs.  Bigs happen.  Every girl has a Big.  Every girl has that guy that keeps coming back!  He won't leave you alone!  As soon as you're happy he comes in and confuses you!  It's not right, fair, good, okay.  I vow to get rid of my Big is 2014.  Bigs suck.  Every avid SATC fan knows that Carrie was destined to be with Big since he first spouted that profanity ridden eloquence that is "Abso&^*$inglutely".  My 7th grade heart melted into a pile of mush while my brain simultaneously feared that my parents would have heard that iconic line and would come rushing into the basement to turn off that blasphemous show (side note-my parents both loved this show but I think we can all agree that at 12 you're a little young for Carrie & Co.) thus dashing my dreams and abilities to one day grow up to embody these iconic women.  But let's cut the foie gras- Big is a jerk!  He jerked C around for 10 years!  And she still went back to him!  This is a detrimental lesson to us fabulous girls.  We see from age 12 that if you go back to the same (hot/successful/rich/powerful) guy enough times, he will change to be with you.  Never mind the ex-wife (I always liked Natasha), the leaving you for Paris/the break ups/the gut wrenching hours of crying and carb eating...No!  If you wait he'll come back to you.  Non vrai!  I always wanted Carrie to find a new Big Love!  What about that guy in AA who burned her with a cigarette butt?  He had promise!  JK<3  I just always think that way...are we supposed to wait for Big to realize that he doesn't love Natasha and to sort out his own crap and come running to Paris to bring us back to America?  God I hope not!  If my Mr. Big ever comes running to Paris to rescue me from a crazed Russian man who likes to play with light bulbs please at least let me buy a new pair of shoes before we return to the states.  (Let me buy two if the dollar/Euro ratio is good enough!)  

But in reality, life isn't like my beloved LifeCrush Sex and the City.  Some parts are obviously true (crying at work makes people uncomfortably weird around you--coincidentally throwing a cantaloupe at 21 year old freeloaders will accomplish the same goal, Aidan was the nice guy that finished last, and TiVo will be your boyfriend most nights) but most are fictional.  I've learned that it's best to separate yourself from that fiction and just let your mind sail off into that electric fantasy for 23 minutes at a time.  

Also, did anyone ever wonder why Miranda, Char, and Sam let Big come back into Carrie's life so many times?  My friends would have clothes lined him before he came back the third time.  (And for that I thank them!)  

Buuuuuuut, because I'm a positive girl or stupid like our girl C and believe that even after Big screwed her over so many times...THE MAN LEFT YOU AT THE ALTAR CARRIE I still choose to believe that if your shoes are high enough, your cosmos strong enough, and your friends fabulous enough life will work its little way out for me and my stylish crew.  

This post really has no point.  I've just been watching a lot of Sex and The City while waiting for this apocalyptic storm to hit NJ.  I mean there is always a point.  That point is most likely cloaked in glitter and pink and spun in a way to teach a lesson but remain surprisingly...up beat!  So my life lesson is stop waiting for Big to dump that Idiot Stick Figure With No Soul, return from Paris, sell the winery, and stop paying belly dancers at your birthday party and move on.  I think we all know that C could have done much better than Big if she held out a little more.  

Peace. Love. High Heels.


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