Wednesday, January 29, 2014

What the State of the Union Actually Is

Hey everyone!!

Happy State of the UnionTuesday!  God Bless America!  Just a disclosure, this is not a political post.  Just a funny list of random things I think are entertaining.

Can we all agree that Dr. Jill looked amazing in purple?!  Whoever that Glamtastic woman in the pink suit is, we need more of her!  If everyone dressed like her, we'd be much less likely to ever have a government shut down.  How can I make this statement?  Well, with fashion that flashin, everyone would want to report to work everyday to show off their outfits! Elle Woods clearly did her job!  The fashion stole the show here!  I'm thinking of hosting an E! Live From The Red Carpet, State of The Union Address complete with a GlamCam!  I really loved all of the color and feminine styles worn by the Congresswomen.  Smash that glass ceiling with your stilettos ladies!

Okay, if you watched last night's State of the Union Address like I did you probably noticed some correlation between the SOTU and your own life!  Wait, you don't hold annual grand speeches at the Capital in which you address the American people and tell them a little catch all summary of what you've done or plan to do?  You need to get to living my friends!

Anyway, yes you do.  You totally do!  Every family party you give your own State of the YOUnion Address.  Here's how they are eerily similar exactly the same!

1)  About a week before this blessed family function rolls around you begin self-editing your reality.  You move things around, you omit, you use a lot of general/generic terms, you also use ambiguous timelines that make you seem like you are really on top of your stuff!  For example:
  • In the very near future, we will have a balanced budget.
  • At family functions you say, "In the near future I will be applying for a new job."


Near future is ambiguous because we don't know if they are talking about near future as in Mickey D's order-window time frame (under 60 seconds is impressive...even if it means that you have one minute to clog your arteries and forever damage your body) or the near future in the chronological sense.  Does near future mean 1 day?  One year?  One eon?  No one knows.  For the Solar System the near future can be 100,000 years.  However, I feel that in 100,000 years the Earth will be populated with robots and cyborgs.  The robots and cyborgs will most definitely have a balanced budget because robots and cyborgs don't have things like Louboutins and Kate Spade bags to procure an unharmonious budget.  

2) You know that your present state of life is not great but you're going to sell it like a pro!  America is in a tight spot right now people, you know it, I know it, Obama knows it.  But he's gonna sell it like a BOSS!  You do the same thing.  Maybe you're not thrilled with your personal finances, maybe you're not thrilled with your lackluster love life, maybe you're not thrilled with your living situation, or maybe you hate college and regret every time you yelled, "It's a town full of losers and I'm pulling out to win!" Whatever it is, you edit and sell it like a BOSS!

3)  You take appropriate pauses and nods when you just don't know what to say.  Obama is a pro at this.  He takes a beat, pauses, nods reassuringly and moves on.  He does this seamlessly.  We also do this.  We nod and smile when we don't know what to say.

4) Inevitably, someone in the room will hate you.  Your every being bothers them.   The way you breathe, the way you only eat from the veggie tray at holiday parties, what have you.  Just like Obama, we have to deal with the haters and just smile and nod along at their feelings on your incompetency.  Just a disclaimer-my family is totally awesome and everyone likes everyone else, this is just for those families that don't get along.

5) You're super upbeat and optimistic about the whole thing!  No matter what kind of emotional/fiscal/educational/health care disarray the country is in, Obama will sell these failures with upbeat optimistic promise and hope!  I think it goes without saying that we also do this!  Why?  Because we are American!  Pithy optimism is our thing!  Besides democracy and capitalism, this is our main export!  We will smile, flip our hair, and say, "Yeah, but you know what?  I'm doing really well!  I've learned so much and I'm just excited about the future!"  Let's decode this sentence

  • In 20 words you have managed to say absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all.  You expressed the exact same thing a 99 cent Hallmark graduation card expresses.  
  • You are as happy as a Republican in Brooks Brothers with shiny shoes.  
  • You've managed to wrap up any complicated and unsavory moments that have occurred in the last year with a smile and flowery nothing.  
6) Keep Working is your catchphrase.  Just like Obama will keep working towards ________________, you will also keep working towards New Job, New Car, New Screenplay, whatever you want!!

7) Unrealistic goals for the year ahead.  Yes we are going to end world hunger, immigration crises, and unemployment.  Just.  Like.  You.  In this year you are going to win the Olympics in Sochi, graduate with honors, go to the moon, and find true love while losing weight and becoming Beyonce levels of flawless.  

8)  You do all of this lying in fancy clothes.  Obama is giving the SOTU in a brand new and well fitting suit.  Your holiday outfit will also be your backdrop for your own State of the Union Address.  Fancy clothes make people like you.  It's just law.  No one can get mad at you if you're wearing a suit/nice dress.  If you're wearing a holiday outfit, your family will take away, "She might be wasting away her life/made epic mistakes, but she's wearing clothes that look great so she can't be doing that badly.

9)  Finally, I couldn't help this!

Just like Miss Norbury said about the Mathletes (in Mean Girls for those of you who don't know), one can draw the same conclusion about the Republicans:


"I would love to have a girl on the team, just, ya know, so the team could meet a girl." (Mean Girls)

Rep. Cathy McMorris apparently is the Cady Heron of the GOP.  Four For You Rep. McMorris!  You go McMorris!

Again, this is not a political post.  This is not a political blog.  I harbor no ill will towards the President or his policies.  These are just funnies that I noticed while watching the Address.


No comments:

Post a Comment