Tuesday, January 7, 2014

How The Bachelorette Would Be Different If I Were On It

Happy Tuesday, welcome to the arctic!

Seriously it was 8 degrees in my car today.  Not ok.  Anyway, think warm thoughts and wear yoga pants.  Coincidentally in life, that pretty much fixes 90% of all problems.


If you are not this level of excited then we are not friends

I lerve The Bachelor and have for oh, 19 seasons?  When I was little I would be really quiet and hide out in my Mom-Mom's room and pretend that no one knew I was there, just so I could watch this glittering show of awesome.  I'd also keep my fingers crossed that Dylan would act up and his bath time would take longer and I'd get away with it.  It worked...until about 9:15 then I'd be summoned for bed.  The next day my Mom-Mom and I would recap and make predictions and pick our favorites.  This continued until she died.  Now I have Bachelor viewing parties and we make pools, brackets, and pick our faves!  I'm always partial to blondes and blonde teachers!  I picked Elise, Nikki, and Danielle as my current favorites this season!

I know that this show is not "a factual depiction of real life Erin!" as my mama tells me every Monday. However, I'm not immune to the fantasy of what would life be like if I were to wear the sequined dress of glory and hand out those prestigious red scepters of love aka the roses to swoon worthy hunks?  Well, my friends?  Life would be a lot different in The Bachelor Mansion let me tell you!  It would obviously be the most dramatic rose ceremony.  EH.VUR.  

So first of all, The Bachelor has this new tradition (I'm not thrilled about it) where they pick a previously rejected cast member to fill The Bachelorette's stilettos.  I would really like some variety but what are you going to do.  Anyway, I would get dumped (not surprising) by The Bachelor.  I would most likely make friends with all the girls and miss them more than him.  I would go talk to Ellen about how perky and happy I am now and how moved on I am and show off my inevitable new hair cut.  (It would be the same hair cut just blonder...not gonna make the bang's mistake from '06...again...) and Ellen would say, "Well, I hope you get to be the next Bachelorette because we all love you."  (I've always been more of a girl's girl so this is totally plausible.)  I would smile and say, "Wouldn't that be fun?"  

Flash forward one day.  ABC would call me and ask if I wanted the job.  I would accept and then appear on After The Final Rose and tell everyone that I was going to be The Bachelorette.  I would be wearing pink and glitter and sequins and have 5 inch heels on and have a be rocking a fab blow out.  I would say things like, "I'm just so excited" and "I hope I find a great guy!" and "It's overwhelming, but yea I'm excited!  Who wouldn't want to be in this position?"  Chris Harrison (my new BFF) would laugh, smile, and look into Camera 2 and say, "Well, Erin's season will premiere on May 23rd!"
I would smile and wave and then start talking to the girls that I really did miss more than life!  I would wish my ex and his new lovah a great life and "all the best!  Really!  I'm so happy for you!"  I would then be forced to smile through their sage love advice and I would do this:

I also would NOT be surprised when they split up in 2 weeks

I would then begin my sojourn to find true love and well, here's how it goes:

  • I would only be able to shoot in the summer because I love my job as a teacher and would never quit.
  • This would be the required uniform for all contestants
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  • I would show up in the sparky dress with the hair and makeup because they deserve to see me at my best.  I would then put on yoga pants, a Phils jersey, and a baseball hat as soon as the cockail party commenced.  Because I can.  I would also be wearing Uggs because they're comfy.
  • I would also listen to the guys when they said one of the other guys was a jerk.  
  • I would seriously redo the dates.
    • I would say yes to all helicopter dates.  Helicopters are badass and I want to ride in one.
    • I would say yes to all charity dates. 
    • I would say no to any and all snow dates.  Too cold and I get cranky!
    • I would also say no to all coffee dates.  I hate coffee and I hate pretending I like it for dates.  
    • I would say no to all dodgeball dates.  I hated gym in 3rd grade, why would I like it now?  Plus, the Bachelor/ette never even gets to play.  That's no fun!
  • These are dates I would add.  
    • Dollywood Date-I would make people take me to an amusement park--full of people!  No private park for us because that's not real life!  You learn a LOT about someone at amusement parks.  You can learn about patience (or lack there of), their feelings on children (unless there is so much screaming.  Rolling your eyes and saying no thank you is an appropriate response to sugared up screaming), eating habits (if you don't consider funnel cake a meal, we can't be loves), and fear level.  If he says no to Nitro, you say no to him.  Also, if you don't love Dolly, I don't love you.
    • $30 Date Nite!  This is how real life dating is.  You have $30.  It's like a challenge.  You can get your movie tickets for $23.  You know have $7 remaining.  What do you do?  Do you get your date something and then salivate for your own drink?  Do you get one drink and two cups?  No shame here, I've done that!  This wouldn't be a problem because I would bring my own snacks.  I would bring some to share with him...no I wouldn't who are we kidding??  ERIN DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!  
    • Phillies Game Date!  We would go to the Phils game and we would see how he handled me in all my screaming glory.
    • Yoga Pants Date-I would just wear sweats and a messy bun and we would run errands.  We would then eat Chinese food on the couch and watch a movie.  This is pretty much what I love to do everyday so this would be their reality.
    • Wing Eating Contest-I can shovel those boneless pieces of heaven into my mouth faster than you can say "Will you accept this rose?" and if you can't keep up?  Then I'm sorry, NO ROSE!  
    • Dessert Date-If you can't handle me with my face fully covered in chocolate you don't deserve me!  It's not pretty but it's a reality.  A very real reality that you will endure 
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    • Night at the Ballet Date-I love the ballet and I'll know you love me too if you agree (and stay awake during the performance) to the date!
    • Burrito Date-Burritos are the best food ever!  If you don't love them, we can't be.
    • Barnes & Noble Date-This would mostly be a please-leave-me-alone-I'm-reading date.  You can feel free to read your own book...silently.   
  • How I would handle the Fantasy Suite-I would be Cinderella.  I would say you can stay til midnight and then you have to go back.  Gotta keep it classy.
  • I would maybe accept the proposal.  I would most likely say this before the most dramatic final rose ceremony.  EH. VUR.  that I want to date them in the real world first.  
  • Most first night roses would be given to the funniest guys.  And anyone who looks like Chris Evans or Luke Bryan!
  • If they said they didn't like books or country music they would be asked to leave.  Immediately.  I would even leave them on a glacier like Ali left Kasey.  That was cold and heartless, but it would be necessary in this situation.
  • My friends would come on some dates...as our waitresses!  How you treat a waitress says a lot about you.  They will judge you and ask someone to leave.  I trust them 100% so I would trust their judgement.
  • No island proposals.  This isn't cute!  My hair is prone to frizz, it's cliche, I'm Irish and I sunburn easily, and I don't want to be a Sweaty Betty.  I also have no desire to ride an elephant in a ball gown.
  • I'd also tell the guy I didn't want to be with that I wasn't picking him, face to face, before the Final Rose Ceremony.  This is the nice thing to do.  

Chances are I will never go on this show (because I have self-respect/a job/am not certifiably insane/am emotionally slutty) because I can't pack everything I would need in one suitcase.  But if I did it would be flawless!  I would be the biggest dork who ever was on that show and I would own it, love it, and enjoy it!  May your Mondays be merry and enjoy Juan Pablo ladies!  



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