Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Golden Globes

Hey Loves!

This is a running stream of everything I thought of during the Golden Globes!  Enjoy
  • Every girl wants to marry a man who is Tom Hanks
  • JLAW is Queen of the World!  
  • Thank you Golden Globe's for having Channing Tatum present.  
  • I have an inapprorpriate crush on Robert Redford
  • Tina Fey & Amy Poehler are killing this!  They should have written all the acceptance speeches and teleprompters
  • Awww see?  Even celebs get drunk at work parties!
  • Rita WIlson's body/dress/hair...AMAZE!!
  • Jacqueline Bisset...what is that?
  • Matt Damon is aging well
  • Emma Thompson gets better with age; however, I don't think Nanny McPhee would be too happy about being a drunky monkey and taking your shoes off at a black tie gala...
  • I like when celebs laugh at themselves
  • I like a party where people get awards...The Dundees anyone?
  • IF George Clooney doesn't win an award does the award show actually take place?
  • JLaw should thank the man that held her hand while she walked up the stairs...don't wanna repeat the Oscars...
  • If I won a GG I would make my speech go like this "Thank you for your applause.  I'm not going to bore you with one of those I didn't expect it would be me because let's be honest...it should be me.  I worked hard, I did an outstanding job, I rocked this!"  Then I'd stare blankly at the camera for a few awkward seconds-blink once-then smile smugly.  I'd then kiss my statue and totally disregard Miss GG and jump off the front of the stage Janice Ian style from MeanGirls.  I would then leave the world to put aside its global problems and ponder the most crucial question of all time: if I was being sarcastic or just rude?  My acceptance speech would go exactly like that or it would be another Whitney Houston Bodyguard moment.  (That's what I do when I'm handed a mike!)  Yes it is very hard to lector at church and refuse my natural instinct of belting out (Dolly's hit first) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNNNNDDDD EEEEYYYYYYEEEEIIIIII WILLLL ALLLLLWAAAAAYYYZZZSSSS LUUUUUUHHHHHVE YOOOUUUUUUUU!  It's very hard!
  • I need to see The Wolf of Wall Street 
  • I think it's ironic that Paula Patton decided to do the complete opposite of Miley Cyrus in terms of her award show wardrobe. While Miley decided not to wear ANY fabric, Paula decided to wear ALL the fabric in the world
  • Everyone knew Bryan Cranson was going to win. 
  • Hayden Panettiere should win for Nashville...she was robbed!
  • Breaking Bad will win everything
  • Paula Patton's dress is probably the leading culprit in the conflict that is the geographical engineering faux pas
  • P. Diddy tried to steal Usher's thunder.  Honestly I didn't know those two divos could be on the same stage at the same time.  I thought the world might implode.  
  • Kate Beckinsale is perfect...way to show up that ex-husband girlfriend!
  • People need a social story on giving an acceptance speech.  Sample lines:  It is a good idea to think about my speech before accepting my award.  It is a good idea to use words when accepting a speech.  It is a good idea to finish an acceptance speech when receiving an award.  My friends don't like it when I drink before I accept an award.  
  • Is the winner of best original score wearing a banana clip?  If so where did he find that artifact?  What musuem did he rob?
  • Why isn't Queen Jennifer Aniston here?  I don't care if she isn't nominated!  She is a gem in the crown of American cinema!
  • Taylor Swift is nominated for a GG!!!  It's tough because you're against Bono...he's kind of a big deal
  • That other guy in U2 looks a lot like Bryan Cranston...just saying
  • Gwenyth Paltrow....what what what are you wearing?  Look at your life, look at your choices!
  • In 7th grade I wore the same sunnies as Bono!  Claire's 4 EVA!
  • Wait a minute...Aaron Paul didn't win?
  • Why are you people nervous?  Just say, "Thank you!  I thank God, my family, friends, my agent, and you people for watching a box in your living room!  I'm not trying to change the world I'm just trying to make you laugh/cry/smile/think." 
  • I wonder what would happen if someone wore Yoga Pants to the GG's?
  • Did Julia Roberts forget to shave her armpits again?  Is that why she's wearing that men's top under that beautiful dress?  I love her hair though.  
  • Ellen's dropping floor game should be imported to the GG's for people who talk too much
  • Amy Poehler as Randy is a great potential SNL skit
  • I wonder what the celebs are all laughing about at their tables?  Or is it like the youth game of "Oh, he's looking at us!  Pretend that you just said something really funny!  HAHHAHAHHA!" 
  • Jared Leto and I have the same hair style tonight!  Rock on Erin!
  • I don't understand ANY of the plots for ANY of the nominated movies.  Give me a low brow romcom any day!  At least I understand those plots!  Guy wants girl who at first thinks he is repugnant, girl rejects boy, girl dates loser boy, realizes she loves boy, boy has new girl, girl tells boy she loves him now, boy leaves new girl, new girl understands bc boy and girl are lobsters, boy and girl get together, boy and girl live happily ever after.  
  • No one here is sober.  AT ALL!  It's like watching what would happen if you video taped the drunken college kids at a Frat Banquet receiving Dundees...
  • Sheldon was robbed
  • I would want to wear a necklace made of candy so I could eat a snack at the GGs
  • When the celebs say "A huge thank you to all of you who helped me get here, you know who you are," I know they're talking about me.
  • What is Emma Stone wearing?
  • I did a tap dance to the song that is playing during Woody Allen's Cecil B. DeMille Award montage.
  • If you are weird enough, cough Woody Allen cough cough, you will be a smashing success!
  • No thank you Diane Keaton, I don't want to take the mystical creepy journey into Woody Allen's mind.  
  • Oh I feel safe!  Liam Neeson is here!  He can destroy everything!
So those are my feelings on the the GGs!  Hopefully you all enjoyed (survived) the drunken mess that is rich, beautiful people accepting awards for pretending to be someone else. AKA everyday at Beverly Hills Middle School!



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