Friday, January 10, 2014

You Know You're An Old Fart When...

Hey Bloggies,

How was your week?  Mine was pretty close to perfection I gotta say!  I got to go to all my favorite workout classes, I got to work everyday, I got my student teaching placement (well one of them), I got to drink juice, I had great hair days, and above all I got to see my bestie and we got to watch Anchorman 2.  More on that to come.  Aren't there just some weeks that make you smile and forget all the crazy?  Those are the weeks I live for!

Ok, so onto Anchorman 2.  Friday I ventured to visit Ra and bring her some juice.  She agreed that it tasted just like the color green.  I say venture because it always is an adventure.  Do you have one of those friends who whenever you see them, no matter how mundane the activity is supposed to be, always turns into an adventure and a half?  I do.  That's Ra.  I think this happens to us because God knows we love to laugh and supplies us with endless opportunities.  (Coincidentally Ra and I also usually unknowingly match each other 90% of the time.  I'm talking Sears Family Portrait Style...)  So on my way to Ra's I had to drive through the woods, cross the Rubicon, and drive in figure 8's because of numerous detours!  Also, my radio statics and I lose my jams for a hot minute.  They are then magically restored and lead me to think that there really is something creepy living in the NJ woods.  Creepily on the way home my GPS lost satellite on the darkest road ever.  This road has no lights, no people, and no consideration for my fear of the dark.

Anyway, we went to see Anchorman 2 because we are both stupidly in love with Ron Burgundy & The Channel 4 News Team.  The one thing I am not in love with are the youths.  I had forgotten that Friday night at the movies was Youths Invade The Cinema Night.  I know I was once a youth but I wasn't like these youths.  Let me paint you a picture of these youths:  9 (5 females/4 males)Youths (Who has 9 friends in middle school?  I had like 3.  People are mean in middle school.  I think if you have any more than 4 friends in middle school you deserve a medal) age 13 maximum.  The girls were wearing Teen Uniform One:  Super straight black hair (think Cher circa 1971), black raccoon eye liner (#tooharsh), the tightest skinny jeans in the world, PINK sweat shirts, Uggs.


It was clearly a middle school date.  In every group of youths there are the "dating youths" and the "watcher youth".  How do I know this?  Because I was the "watcher youth".  "Watcher youth's" job is to disregard the cinematic adventure at hand and survey and analyze the other "dating youths".  You then share your analysis post-movie at the inevitable sleepover.


Anyway, these youths come clopping into the theater.  Youths don't walk, youths clop.  Youths also laugh cackle.  It's the worst sound known to mankind.  They sit 2 rows in front of us.  After collective eye rolls from the rest of the theater they begin to commence with the youth speak.  Youthese is not English.  It has 2 phonemes:  eeeeeehheeeee and NUHUH?!  That is all youths say.  Anyway, the youths were so loud we couldn't hear the previews.  THIS GIRL NEEDS TO SEE THE PREVIEWS!  Especially when Channing Tatum's trailer for 22 Jump Street graces the screen with its presence.  I was like, ok Erin don't be an old fart, these are the trailers.  If they keep talking during the movie you can throw your shade and shhhhhhh them.  Well apparently one of the other movie patrons did not agree with this and told security on them.  This is why all good movies should be rated R.  Keep out the youths.  Security came in and told them to act like a group of adults not crazed youths (I may be paraphrasing that but you get it).  Well the youths quieted for a few minutes--that's the good thing about youths--they embarrass easy.  Then, they started talking again...Well you can bet your bottom dollar that this girl shushed them like they were my own bratty youths.  They immediately quieted.  P.S. at one point, 5/9 of the youths were holding hands.  Youth cult?  Youth prayer?  Youth dating awkwardness?  I really don't know.  The order went boy/girl/girl/boy/girl (we're actually not sure if the "watcher youth" was holding hands or not.  We couldn't get an accurate visual.)  The quad-hand-holding-conundrum signified to me that they were the "newly dating youths".  The two "couples" in front of them were the "going steady youths" aka they've been together for 2 weeks but are 100% sure that they love each other and will get married.  Oh reality youths.  It's a evil female dog.  The shushing of youths with such fervent talent made me think Oh great!  Cue the old lady status!  So this got me thinking...what are the other things that signify to me that I am no longer a youth?  What makes me an old fart?

  • Shushing Youths--I paid $11.50 of my own money--money that I worked for...not money Mommy gave me--to attend this cinematic adventure and I'm going to enjoy it.  Speak during my movie and I'll shush you.
  • Keeping my mouth shut when adults do weird movie theater things.  Sir?  Yes you.  The one looking up at those things?  Those are called lights sir.  Oh I'm sorry, you don't "like the pitch" from your current seats?  Yes please move behind me so you can find the pitch perfect spot.  I thought I was living in a Big Bang Theory episode.  
  • You wear a Ralph Lauren inspired Casual Friday outfit to sub and one of the students asks you if you are wearing a cowgirl costume.  Apparently the Ralph Lauren Fall 2013 line went right over her head? 
  • When you actually consider telling security on the youths.
  • When you drive the speed limit.  Responsibility behind the wheel is important.
  • When you call drivers who are driving 5 mph over the speed limit in a rain storm "Crazy Drivers!  What are you doing?  You're going to hurt someone!"  I opened my mouth and my Deb came out!
  • Turning the lights off when you leave a room.  Saving electricity is important.
  • Ordering fancy pizza (bonus points if it comes with veggies on it) that does not include BBQ or Buffalo Chicken.  
  • Driving 10 mph when there is ice on the road.  This is good safety but youths don't do it.
  • When you and your bestie start laughing uncontrollably at the (as predicted) Youths are embarrassed that their mom is picking them up in her minivan.  Seriously youths, what mode of transportation do you think we think you get home from the movies in?  Baby Einstein's rocket ship?  
  • When the youths you shushed see you while leaving the movies and immediately move out of your way because they know you are a grown up and have the power of reporting them to security.  These kids moved--like knees to chest moved--when they saw us walking out of the theater and in the general direction of our car.  The youths were sitting on the curb waiting for the Baby Einstein rocket ship to come take them back to their respective houses.  If you're wondering...2 youths moms pick up the youths.  The girls go with one mom and the boys go with the other mom.  
These are also a list of Old Fart Things I did today...not of all time.

Now to Anchorman 2.  The beginning half of the movie was fantastic like I hoped it would be.  The last 20 minutes made no sense whatsoever and I was completely confused.  If you watched it and understood it please let me know.  

Anyway, I enjoy no longer being a youth.  It was painful.  I like being an old fart.  It is safer and you are wayyyy less annoying to the general public.  I think you know you're an old fart when these benign yet annoying youths start to really upset you.  You start thinking, what kind of parents do you have?  Did you miss the M&M's crafty commercial about being quiet during the film?  Then you start to get scared because you realize that in 20 years or so those youths could be your youths.  I shudder at the thought...Because I wrote this I'll probably have those youths as my future children.  



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