Saturday, August 3, 2013

What The Phillies Game Is Not

Over my years as a baseball fan and frequent CBP attendee I have noticed some peculiar behavior that I think needs to be remedied.  Here is my list!

What the Phillies Game is Not:

 1)   Prom…leave the maxis at home ladies.  Yes you look gorgeous.  Yes your Instagram fans will “like” your selfies, BUT Citizens Bank Park is a place for jerseys, shorts, and hats.  If you want to impress a guy at the game, learn the game.

  2)   The Beach…no need for bikinis at the ball park please.  I’m trying to eat my chicken fingers here!

   3)   The office…come on how hard is it to throw a jersey in the back of your Bentley.  We all know your super important and just came from probably the world’s largest merger, but come on, you know you’re going to the game. 

   4)   Da Club…tops and shorts should cover your totties and your eh hem…

   5)   A place to support a team that is not playing…I thought this was self explanatory until I saw multiple people wearing random baseball, football, hockey, and basketball accoutrements to the Phillies/Giants game.  Pick a side…you don’t have full liberty to wear any team you want.  You have two options:  The Phillies or whoever they are playing.

   6)   A time to wear your stilettoes…seriously?  The nosebleed section is hiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhhh.  I consider myself to be in pretty good shape and I still get winded walking up 4 flights of concrete steps.  No one wants to fall out of the cheap seats.  That’s not cute.  Don’t do wedges either because it’s dangerous. There is spilled soda, beer, ketchup…you will fall and no one wants that.  Stick to sneakers, flip flops (even though I think it’s gross because you should shield your toes from the ground) or Sperry’s. 

   7)   A place for Crocs.  Just…ugh…people need to stop making them.  They’re like fetch, they’re NEVER going to happen!  Put them in your closet.  Lock them away.  Let them die in dignity!

   8)   A time to talk about your sock drawer…seriously I sat in front of a guy who was dealing with the dilemma of what to do with your navy sock and your black sock.  This isn’t an 8th inning dilemma.  An 8th inning dilemma is how are we gonna keep our lead.

   9)   A place for people who get offended by booing.  We’re Philly, we boo ANYONE/EVERYONE, get used to it. 

   10)                  Fancy Food.  Baseball games require fried food and soda.  And cotton candy.  That is it!!  No sushi, no chicken chow mein, no salads.  EVER.

   11)                  A place for reading.  This is not a library or your quiet study where you can curl up with The Bronte sisters and sip Chamomile tea.  This is a baseball game, leave your Kindle at home.

   12)                  A place for Papelbon to blow Cole Hamels 8th inning shut out.

Notice the hat, jeans, Phillies insignia.  

*Yes I do have make up on and curled hair.  I'm doing this because I understand that the general public deserves to see my best self and I would not subject them to the curmudgeon and troll that I am when I go au natural.  You're WELCOME!


  1. I'm going Tuesday so this was a good refresher!

  2. hahaha we're going Wednesday!! Beware the readers and to be honest I don't trust anyone who doesn't eat fried food at the game!