Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Go To Yoga

Hi.  Happy Tuesday.  

I'd like to give a big shout out to my Phils!  #1 in the NL East Baby!  Can we just end the season now as champs?

Wearing your Phils jersey over dress pants= business casual, right?  RIGHT!
This was a staged pic for a school project...I'm not photographing any kids here

8 Days 'til Spring Break!!  

Spring Break (n) a time when most people have off but I will be subbing because I like to shop and buy things more than I like sleeping 'til noon.

I'm lucky to have Spring Break here in the old N-J.  Winter came and ruined our lives for three months causing most of my friends and family to lose their Spring Breaks.  However, this girl, still has hers.  

Anyway, last week my usual Pilates instructor had to go somewhere (I guess it's okay for her to have a life outside of us...lol Love You Lisa!) and we had a sub.  Let me tell you, I live/breathe/die/only shave my legs for Pilates class!  Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays I sit and watch the ticking clock (Britney Spears' ...Baby One More Time video style) until I can run out of school and go to Pilates.  I love it!  I love it for many reasons, but mostly because it is my home.  I just feel so great after Pilates.  It's hands down my favorite workout.  

So last Thursday, we had a sub.  We did not have Pilates...we had yoga.  I was disappointed because we all thought it was going to be Pilates, not yoga. For all y'all that don't know, Pilates is NOT the same as yoga.  Pilates people and yoga people are not the same people.  

Pilates was created by Joseph Pilates to rehab injured ballerinas.  

No one knows where the zen creatures aka yoginis came from.  I'm sure someone knows but I don't.  I think they came from their own planet full of sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns.  They are so freakin' zen!  All.  The.  Time.  They're like Corinthians 13:4-8

Yogis are patient.
Yogis are kind.
Yogis do not envy, do not boast, are not proud.
They do not dishonor others,
they are not self-seeking.
They are not easily angered,
do not keep records of wrongs.
Yogis do not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth.
Yogis always protect, always trust, always hope, always perseveres.  

I am rarely any of the above.  Not centered, not zen, not calm, no namaste here.  That's why I lerve Pilates.  Pilates is like yoga for people who can't be calm.  All our muscles have to be moving constantly or we might actually die and wilt into the ground that we are not one with.  

It's not that I dislike yoga.  I think it's fine.  I just prefer Pilates.  One of the ladies in my class described it perfectly, "It's like when you order coke and they bring you root beer.  It's not that you don't like root beer, you just wanted coke."  The instructor was a great yoga instructor, just not my cup of decaffeinated all organic, green tea.  

What happened in yoga...a running internal monologue

-Ok, this is not so bad.  Maybe it'll be a serindipity and you'll end up loving yoga.
-You used to do yoga.
-You liked it.
-Yogis are vegans...you are not a vegan.
-Yogis probably use natural deodorant and laundry detergent.
-Certain things need chemicals...like deodorant and laundry detergent.
-Ra likes yoga.
-Remember that time you did yoga at Ra's house?
-This is kinda like it.
-No it's not.
-Now you're laughing.
-There is no laughing in yoga.  More reason why I can't be a yogini...I need to laugh.  We laugh 100 times a Pilates class.  
-Laughing in yoga is like laughing in church...once you start you just can't stop.
-Yoginis throw shade if you're laughing.
-So much shade from such a zen woman.
-Don't sit next to your friend in yoga.  Once the laughing starts it just won't stop.
-You will look like you are giving birth more than once.
-You will also have gyno flashbacks.  These will cause you to laugh and repeat all your laughin related problems.  
-The music is strange.  It's even more out there than Pilates jams.
-Pilates jams are zen but the yoga singers sound like they are in pain.
-You will wonder if you are high on yoga.
-You will decide you have a yoga high.
-Yup yup, burned 1 calorie.
-That's not gonna stop me from eating all those pretzels later tonight!
-You and me Pretzel Goldfish...til death do us part.
-Jenna Marbles is funny.
-Crane pose rocks.
-What does Namaste mean?
-You will open one eye really wide during the opening breath series just to make sure that your yoga high has not transported you magically to an hour past the end of class and you're just sitting there in your zen state...alone...in the dark. 
-You won't be that high on yoga.
-Don't open one eye because everyone will laugh because everyone else is peeking, too.
-Your yogini instructor will cause your brain to drift to the episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel are coming up with names for their baby and Rachel suggests Rain.  Ross says, "Hi, I'm Rain.  I have my own kiln and my dress is made of wheat."  You will wonder if your yogi has her own kiln and a dress made of wheat.
-You decide she does.
-You decide you need a kiln.
-Just because kiln is a fun word.
-You miss Lisa
-Unagi...ahhh salmon skin roll
-Ah, Friends, such a good show
-No one is being sassy.  Why no sass?
-Because you don't sass a yogini.
-They are sensative beings who are connected to the world.
-Sass a yogini and God help us all!  Nature might getcha
-Was that an intentional innuendo?  Not sure.  Don't laugh though, in case it's not.
-That'd be super duper awkward.
-Eye contact with a fellow Pilates Famsquader confirms that she felt this was an innuendo, toooooo!
-That's why I do Pilates...the jokes
-This feels weird.
-It's a good thing I did ballet all those years, I'd be in paaaayyyaaaain if I hadn't.
-I want Chinese food.
-I want to marry Chris Evans.
-Captain America is super hot.
-La la la Captain America.
-That's coming out soon! 
-I'm gonna go with Daddy.
-That'll be fun.
-But I can't eat chocolate at the movie theater...sad panda.
-I am not "one with the Earth"
-Oh, it's over?  
-I'll never be this zen ever again.
-Like, ever.

So that's the story of me and yoga.  We're not going to be regular friends.  Maybe acquaintances...if Pilates and I can't meet up on the reg.

Anyway, if you are a yogi, I salute you namaste you and your zenness.  



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