Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Definitive Best and Worst Christmas Jams...As Told By Me

Happy Winter Break!!!

     If you're anything like me you are basking in the radiant light of your laptop binge watching important Netflix documentaries about the riveting lives of a competitive Ohio high school show choir's members...that's intellitalk for Glee.  You are also knee deep in peanut butter and chocolate fudge and done all of your Christmas shopping and are eagerly awaiting the beautous holidays that are right around the corner!  (You also may or may not have exhausted your yoga pant alottment and are eagerly trying to find more yoga pants, because let's face it, after the Semester From Hell, you don't need pants with zippers and all of their negativity!  Embrace elastic waist pants!)

So what else have I been up to on my 48 hours of freedom?  Oh you know the usual, scheduling Girls' Breakfast, Lunches, Movies, Nites, shopping (for others I promise!), working, and enjoying the holiday merriment that is when you live in Christmas House!!  Anyway, I was trolling Facebook yesterday and I saw one of my God cousins posted an interesting question:  "What Christmas Song Could You Live Without?"  I immediately answered, "The Little Drummer Boy and Do You Hear What I Hear?  The Little Drummer Boy is just impractical.  No one would let a drummer that close to a newborn!  He would burst the baby's tympanic membrane."  This got me thinking...what are the best and the worst?!  We all have our favorites, our "Oh no not this one!  Quick pop over to CD mode!  CD mode now MADDEN (my car's name!)"

I can't take any more renditions of Do You Hear What I Hear?!  Yes I do hear you and I get it!  Guess who else gets it?  The little lamb, the shepherd boy, and the rest of the world.  We get it.  It's Christmas Doctrine that if you put out a Christmas CD you  must include this little ditty, but I get it.  I hear you, I see you, I feel you, I smell you, I speak you.  I get it.  No mas!

But if forced, I would still choose The Little Drummer Boy as the worst.  I just don't get it!  He's going to deafen poor baby Jesus!  I have a lot of prayers.  I pretty much spend most of my waking hours asking Jesus to help me in my life, pray for my friends and family, help me pass a test, live out Dream Life, let Wegman's have the good cookies, etc!  I need Jesus to have both ears open to hear my pleas!  Also, I just don't like the melody, or the words, or just any of it.  Not a fan.

I also don't like Band Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas.  This song makes me sad.  It makes me want to cry.  It makes me want to return all of my gifts and every gift I ever bought anyone because I am that sad.  I just feel bad about having Christmas and I just want to cry.  That is the most depressing song ever.

Mele Kalikimaka-I don't like this song because Christmas is snowy and white.  Bing Crosby taught me that.  Even though I know Mr. Crosby sings a rendition of this song, too, it just confuses me!  Mr. Crosby why are you sending me mixed messages?!  I'm happy to live in an area of the world where I may get lucky enough to have a White Christmas, but then I'm also sad because now I think I should have a Bright Hawaiian Christmas Day.  And on the years that I don't have either?  Well then what am I supposed to do?

John Lennon's War Is Over.  I know I'm going to be chastised for publically saying this but I loathe The Beatles.  I don't think they are that great and I don't think they are that ground breaking.  Maybe this attitude comes from being tortured forced to ride the middle school bus while our bus driver blared Breakfast With The Beatles for 3 years.  Every.  Single.  Day.  No delightful boppy 80's soft rock for the students trapped on Bus F.  Nope, just the best and worst of The Beatles.  And during Christmas this bad boy was played at least twice during every excruciating moment of that 45 minute bus ride.  This song again is depressing and makes me sad.  I don't need sadness at Christmas.  It makes me sad because some people are separated from their loved ones on Christmas because of war.  It makes me feel like a bad person that I am lucky enough to not be separated from my loved ones on Christmas.  It makes me feel bad that John Lennon was murdered.  It makes me sad that I have to relive my middle school bus rides.  It makes me sad about the Vietnam War.  It makes me sad about wars.  It just makes me sad.

The Beach Boys Little Saint Nick-SO freaking annoying!  Brian and the gang should stick to cheery pop songs about California Girls and Surfin' Safari's.  This song is just grating and should be used in Guantanamo.  I often times find myself willing to give up any secrets I have just for a few minutes of non-Beach Boy Christmas!
And for the Winners:

Best Christmas Jam:

Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!  MC is the Christmas Angel of Christmas singers.  Her initials after all are Merry Christmas!!  As soon as every girl hears that rocking bell solo (yes I just said rocking bell solo) we stop what we're doing and we gaze longingly into the glowing light that is MC's angelic cherubim voice and we lower our voices into an octave that mimics not even close to MiMi's and we begin, "Iiiiii-hhhiiii-iiii, don't wahhhn a lot forrr Christmas, theeeyyyeeehhhheerrre izzzz juhust one thing Iiihi need," and we're gone.  Just gone.  It's like a scene from HSM or Glee, everyone everywhere knows the words and we're all rocking out in the middle of Nordstrom without a care in the world.  When I was in dance class, the "big girls" got to do this little number every year for the Tree Lighting and you knew you made it when you were asked to partake in the sashays and time steps, and flap ball changes, and buffalos, and the holy grail of all things tap--A SPOT IN THE COVETED WHEEL AND KICK LINE!  Honestly, this is 90% of the reason why I tap danced growing up.  The opportunity to perform in this illustrious number.  (The other 10% was the costumes...can you say fringe+sequins+mod?)  This song was even great when Michael Buble covered it!  He did a whole sexy slow jam thing and I can't get enough!  When he and MiMi performed this on his special I almost died a 1000 happy deaths because it was like Joy to the World!

Best Nostalgic Christmas CD:

Burl Ives Have A Holly Jolly Christmas- The man can do no wrong.  The whole album is a delicious ode to everyone's favorite red nosed reindeer.  It just sounds like what sugar cookies taste like.

Nouveau Noel (Male)

Michael Buble's Cold December Night- I like to call these Nouveau Noel.  I love self created Christmas Jams by my fave singers.  This song also happens to be an ABCFamily Christmas Movie Gem-12 Dates of Christmas thus doubling its awesomeness.  It's just romantic and delightful!

Nouveau Noel (Female)

Kelly Clarkson's Winter's Dream-I think we're all happy Kel-Kel is married (to Reba's son no less!  Best. Mother. In. Law. EVER!) and her CD is pure sugary heaven!  This one is just what every girl wants!  A snow globe scene?  Come on!  I want that!  You can feel her happiness!  Her whole CD is fantasmic and should be listened to while eating copious amounts of sugar cookies and fudge.


Jose Feliciano's Feliz Navidad--I have no idea what he is saying but it is festive and I like it!  My version of the lyrics goes, "Feliz Navidad (I got that part DOWN), Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad prospero ano leeese aliseee bob.  I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas!  I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas!  I wanna wish you a Merry CHristmas from the bottom of my heeeheart!"  I try but I can't learn the real words.


This one is a tie between Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole's The Christmas Song.  This is just pure, unfiltered Christmas.  You are instantly transported to a ski chalet in the middle of Colorado, sipping mulled cider or hot cocoa, while sitting by a fire nestled with your ridiculously smoking hot honey who is wearing (coincidentally) a matching red snow suit with white fur trim.  You happen to be wearing white furry ear muffs (that's really more of a judgement call but this is my Christmas fantasy and I can have them if I want) and your hair is reminiscent of Kate Middleton's wedding hair, and you're eating perfectly shaped Pinterest worthy cookies.  And your chalet (Christmas Palace) smells like cinnamon and spices.



I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas-Christmas is a hard word to rhyme people--give credit where credit is due!  I also like how the child is logical enough to concoct a plan to bring the hippo in the house, yet sophisticated enough to render his parents' hippo misgivings illogical and...shallow?  Can I say shallow?  I mean the hippo won't eat him up because teacher says (if for nothing else this is a shameless plug about how awesome teachers are because this teacher single handedly saved this kid's Christmas!) hippo's a vegetarian! You can't argue with that.

The Hat I Got For Christmas Is Too Big-No one plays this.  I'm not taking the hint that it means the song sucks I'm taking it as an ode to my sophisticated and vast knowledge of little known Christmas jams.  I'm gonna hipster this one up and say, "You've probably never heard of it..." Anyway, it's a jaunty tale about a boy who's sombrero is too big.


Jessica Simpson's What Christmas Means To Me.  Pure Joy!  A great cover and an under appreciated cover.  Miss Simpson delivers the pipes with a beautiful Christmas melody bow.

T-Swizzle's Last Christmas-Perfection Confection!  It actually sounds like a song Tay Tay would sing-Guy dumps her, year passes, she's still not over him, she wants him back, she's dating someone new but still loves last year's man.  It just all sounds so right to me?  Like this song was made for Miss Swift!

Best Song B101 Never Plays:

Jim Brickman's The Gift.  iTunes this.  NOW!  It's the perfect holiday love song!

Only Bing Can Sing:

White Christmas--No one try.  Just stop.  Save yourself the embarrassment.  Done.

Best Religious:

Celine Dion Oh Holy Night-Done!  Miss Dion puts all car jammers to shame by hitting notes no one knew existed!  She's flawless on this song!  You know what I'm talking about that last NOELLLLL OH NIGHT DEEEEEEVIIIIIIIINE!  Only Miss Dion can hit that sucker.

Best Country:

Lady A's whole CD but if pressed I'd pick Silent Night.  It reminds me of Christmas Eve mass and just the true holy beauty that surrounds Jesus's Birthday.

Best Duet:

Baby It's Cold Outside-Who doesn't love a Christmas Jam that involves someone trying to coerce you into sleeping with them?  Solid Christmas Jam Gold!  Also, her maiden aunt sounds like ZERO fun (and bitter...)!  Also my fave is Dean Martin/Martina McBride but all are great!

Best Song to Never Listen To When You're Single:

Three Way Tie!

T-Swift's-Christmases When You Were Mine.  I'm crying over my memories of Christmases when you were mine.  Did you (sob sob) get your mom another sweater?  Taylor just wants to know okay?  She misses you!  Get back together!!!

Bon Jovi-Bells Will Be Ringing-My number one question is why did you lose your friends?  Bon Jovi you're supposed to keep your friends and make time for Richie Sambora!  If you lose your friends how will you get through a Christmas break up?  You won't!!

Elvis-Blue Christmas-Just put away any hope of a happy single holiday when you hear this song.  Elvis why did you do this to me?  This song makes you just wanna give up!  It does however let everyone and their mother do a killer Elvis impression therefore negating all negativity in the song.  Happy Uncle Jesse Christmas Everyone!

Song To Listen To If You're Single:

The Waitresses Christmas Wrapping-This song is delightful!  It offers hope, love, faith, and a lotta serendipity!  All wins in my book!  I love how the two star-crossed lovahs (bonus points if you read lovah like Rachel Dratch and Will Ferrell did in the SNL LOVAHS sketch) were fated to get together but it didn't work out until Christmas time?!  Totally realistic and warms my little heart!

Best Dolly Parton Christmas Jam:

Dolly and Kenny put out a little holiday album that everyone should buy but these are my two faves:

I'll Be Home With Bells On:  Cheery.  Upbeat.  Festive.  Just like Miss Parton herself!

Hard Candy Christmas-Depressing yet proposes multiple ways to get over a holiday break up!

Christmas Party Starter:

Brenda Lee Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree-Just like you can't have a wedding without Cool and The Gang's Celebration, you can't have a holiday party with out it. It's a staple, like ugly sweaters, too much crab dip, and egg nog.  You just need it.

To Put You In the Christmas Mood:

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year-When I hear this I immediately want to shop!  I see in red an green and I am visualizing myself wrapping presents (and using my pink wrapping paper cutter) with fury!

Song I Like To Mime To:

Ok, this one needs some explaining!  About 15 years ago my mom brought Dylan and me to a local grand scale Living Nativity.  We're talking flying angels, a live cello and harpist, a full choir of angels singing Gloria, live animals, and a mime.  Yes a mime.  This attraction boasts so many visitors that one must literally travel from Nazareth to Bethlehem.  There is entertainment throughout the cattle lines and it is usually beautiful holiday choirs (yes I said choirs, this place had like five they were so hard core.  And yes they were each differently decked out in different choir garb) but this the last room...right before you were thrust into the beautiful walk down into the story of Jesus' birth was a teen mime.  Yup, with all black on miming Mary Did You Know?  This song is beautiful!  The message is precious and glorious and religious and really focuses in on the true meaning of Christmas.  Well, she focuses a little too much on the actual birth of our Lord (yup a full scale birth scene was mimed in front of my 8 and Dylan's 5 year old eyes) followed by a completely mimed literal interpretation of the song. She even "led the nation" with a full on soldier's march.  Dylan and I couldn't help ourselves and busted out laughing.  We tried to contain ourselves but after 2 hours (yes 120 minutes) of waiting and being on our "best behavior or no cookies at the end" we erupted into laughter.  To our amazement Deb was laughing right along, too!  I think it was the vivid imagination and creative miming that really brought new meaning and life to this Living Nativity.  Now every time this song comes on Deb, Dylan, and I text each other and remarkably the mime left such an impact on our little hearts that we still can perform the routine exactly how she did.  Skillz!!

Song That Reminds You Of Your Elementary School's Christmas Sing Along:

Here Comes Santa Claus, Santa Claus is Coming To Town that leads into Up On The Rooftop-Before everyone got all offended about celebrating Christmas at public school I got to sing this little medley at my elementary school's Christmas Sing Along!   As if we needed another reason why the 90s rocked?!  This song was the Christmas medley to end all Christmas medleys!  You whipped out your Santa hats and jammed!  You even had cutesy little dance moves that infuriated my 3 year dance experienced self.  Eye rolls were given at the mimed hand knocking.  I was a feisty one at five...hard to imagine I know.

PC Song You Can Sing In Schools Now:

Frosty!  Thank God for that snowman.  Without him no one would be able to sing anything holiday.

Hanukkah Song:

Adam Sandler's Hanukkah Song!  "OJ Simpson...not a Jew,"  Best line ever!

Classical Song:

David Foster's Carol of the Bells

 All of Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker-melts my little ballerina's heart

So there you have it!  I think Christmas Jams are kinda like pizza in the sense where any pizza is better than no pizza and all pizza is pretty good.  (Except the aforementioned Christmas yuckies)  So enjoy your Christmas happiness and holiday break!  I know I've left out a ton of jams but, alas, I have turned my brain off during break.  Feel free to add your jam or yucky to the list!



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