Tuesday, December 17, 2013

How I Plan To Answer The Age Old Holiday Question...

Ho Ho Ho!

Greetings from the last day of school for this girl!  Merry Christmas Break everyone!  So, my 23rd birthday was a fail whale.  Literally a fail whale.  I will get to that later though.  So as you know the holidays are one week (EEEEK!!!) away!  I'm finished all my shopping and now that classes are done I can fully dive into the Christmas Season and Merriment!  Well, one important aspect of the Christmas season is holiday parties!  I love holiday parties!  Who doesn't?  Crab dip? Good!  Chocolate?  Good!  Holiday flavored beverages?  Goooooooood!  Well apparently there is one holiday party essential that everyone seems to fester on this time of year.  What is it?  World hunger?  No.  Children without Christmas presents?  Nada.  Homelessness?  Uh-uh.  It's singleness.  Yup, singleness.  I personally hate being asked, "Oh, are you single?  Doesn't that suck during the holidays?"  Welp, yes and no.  The holidays can be hard when your newsfeed is flooded with happy couples holding hands and posing at Longwood Gardens.  But they can also be awesome!  I don't have to pick and choose where I will be spending the holidays (can you say jammies all day on Christmas?!), I don't have to spend money on a gift for a boyfriend (Hello new bracelet and top for me!), and I don't have to worry about doing all the "holiday stuff" with a boyfriend.  I do all kindsa fun holiday stuff with my girlfriends, eat lotsa cookies, and watch tons of Christmas movies.  We drive around eating said cookies and look at neighboring towns' light displays.  I don't think being in a relationship defines you and I refuse to live my life with that idea.  Some people get all insulted about this and cause a huge stink.  I mean it is very insulting to assume that I am lonely (or if I am...thanks for the reminder that I'm lonely) but I think most of these people mean well (benefit of the doubt right?)...maybe...probably...kinda?

Anyway, I think we can all say that sometimes we get sad at Christmas time if we're single.  Does it happen?  Yup!  Do I hate myself for saying that?  Absolutely.  However, usually after watching Serendipity or Four Christmases, or Elf and eating my body weight in cookies I will feel all better and be over it.

Back to the idea of singleness and everyone's apparent fascination with asking people about their singleness.  I decided to create a list of ways to address this question.  Some of these are....um...creative? I used to answer with a cute little response of "I'm just waiting for Channing Tatum," or "Chris Evans said he would have loved to be here but something came up," or "Well, Grad School is my new boyfriend.  We've been together for about a year and I think it's getting serious."  These are all just sweet ways to tell people, "Please stop talking to me about this.  Can I get back to my punch now?"  But I figure, 2013, the year of change so here are all the new 2013 ways to address this question.  Also, I'm hoping if I do one of these things I will NEVER have to answer this question again...wishful thinking?  Enjoy!

  • Are you afraid of getting divorced?  (This is wildly inappropriate but so is their question)
  • Have a mental breakdown.  Right there in front of them.  
  • Ugly Cry.  Kim Kardashian Ugly Cry!
  • Will the rest of this test be multiple choice or can I expect an essay?
  • I'm not alone I have Schmeigle--point to air space next to you.  Schmeigle is your invisible friend.
  • Are you worried about getting dumped for someone hotter?
  • Marriage is a patriarchal social construct that represses women.  This sentence alone will cause you to relish in your introverted self.
  • Run away.  
  • Repeat the question.
  • Spout nonsense words.  wtegu sgoutuetg smaooeg.  Think Michael Scott at the business dinner with Tim Meadows and Jan.
  • Say o because I can zigga zigga ah (Spice Girls what what!  Does anyone know what that actually means) anytime I want with anyone I want.
  • Jenna Marbles' face them
  • Spontaneous Raptor (I highly recommend using this whenever in a socially awkward situation.  In my experience it has 100% effectiveness rating)
  • Point to the oldest person you can find and say, "I didn't come alone, I came with him/her."
  • I'm really more of a lone wolf.  Awooooooo (Bonus points if you scratch behind your ear)
  • Start talking about why your last relationships failed.  Also include everyone you've ever had a crush on.  Like that 3 year old boy who hit you in preschool--include him!!  The more details, the longer, the more in depth the better!
  • Start laughing.  Loudly.  Maniacally.  Add snorting sound effects if it makes you happy.  
  • Ask them why they want to know.
  • Sing.  Anything your little heart wants to.
  • Say that Beyonce wrote a biographical tome about your life (aka Single Ladies) and you can't let her down.  Then go into the dance!  Oh oh oh, oh oh oh, ohoh!
  • Grab them and squeeze them and scream "Why doesn't anybody love me?!?!"  10000 Bonus Points if you can muster fake tears!
  • Pretend to be really offended!  Hell be really offended and scoff off loudly!
  • Flick them between the eyes.  Not hard, just like you'd flick a disobedient dog.
  • Squint your eyes, lean in real close to them (nose to nose if you can) and whisper, "We can't discuss this here.  They (point and look up to the ceiling) are listening."  Then lean back and nod.  Periodically through out the night, make eye contact with this person and point to random corners and solemnly nod.  
  • Scream, "NO I WON'T KISS YOU!?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" and smooth your dress and walk away.
  • Tell them you're looking into rewiring a lamp. Is it relevant?  No. Will it confuse them?  Yes.  The look on their face?  Priceless!!
  • Tell them you no longer believe in marriage because Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got divorced and therefore your faith in love and marriage has forever been shattered.  
  • Tell them there are bigger problems in the world like adults wearing Crocs and Twinkie Banning to worry about.  These are real issues that affect everyone.

In conclusion, being single is not a party question.  No where will you find it in any Party Jenga, Party Apples to Apples, or Party Scattegories.  It is party Taboo.  But, we all know that we have to steel our single selves against this inevitable party question and keep our composure.  I hope these help you navigate your party nonsense and enjoy your night.  

Merry Christmas,


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