Wednesday, June 25, 2014

World Cup Confessional

Happy Hump Day!

To all my working friends...2 more days until the weekend!  Ironically, I work on the weekends so 2 more days of break for me!

Do you have World Cup Fever?  I don't.  Not at all.  Frankly, soccer is my absolute least favorite sport. My favorite ranking of professional sports are as follows:

1. Dance
2. Baseball
3. Football
4. Basketball

I don't include hockey or soccer, not because their athletic endeavors are not highly meritorious, but simply that I do not like them.  I've already disclosed why I do not like hockey, but today we will focus on my soccer confessions.  Soccer to me is like butterscotch.  I'm sure it's great on a sundae but I want no part of it on mine.

Soccer in America is kinda like fetch.  It's never going to happen.  Kinda like the metric system.  America says, "That's great that the whole rest of the world uses a much simpler form of measurement, but here in America, we want none of your crap.  We'll stick to multiplying by 12."  Soccer=fetch=metric system=NEVER GONNA HAPPEN IN AMERICA!

Also, I feel like the World Cup happens every year?  Does anyone else feel this way?  Didn't we just have a World Championship of Boredom Soccer last year?

1.) I played soccer for 3 years (kindergarten, 4th grade, and 6th grade) and I hated it.  My body is not designed for soccer.  My attention span is not designed for soccer.  My personality is not designed for soccer.  I'm a tall girl with long limbs.  I have a genetic predisposition for dance and cheerleading.  I'm too far off the ground to be a great sprinter.  My attention span is much to long for soccer.  In dance,  you are never "off" and no one else is responsible for making plays besides you.  In dance, you concentrate the entire time you perform.  In my experience (and probably due to my lack of soccer skills) I did not participate in the majority of play.  Not only because of substitutions (see #3) but even when on the field.  If the ball is in play on the other side of the field, I am not responsible for it?  So you're telling me that I have to wait for the ball to enter my sphere of play before I can actually play?  Interesting.  And if I go attack the ball (and I use the word attack very lightly because any and all phsyical contact is seen as reason for the ref to give me a "yellow card") I'm wrong or off sides?  Life has no off sides!  In dance you are busy and working for the entire time you are dancing.  You have to be on.  You can't wait to dance because someone else has the proverbial ball?  Soccer, why?  Just why?  Also, I'm way to competitive for soccer.  I don't tie, I don't like being told I have to stay in one general area, and I don't like your rules.

2.) I don't understand the rules.  I played for 3 years (my brother played for 12 and my dad coached for 6...I should understand the rules of soccer!  But I don't!  I think it's mostly because I don't care to learn them :))  Why do you get a penalty kick verse a corner kick?

2.) Why can't I use my hands?  Evolution has programed me to act accordingly when an unwanted stimuli has entered my facial sphere!  Every other sport allows you to use your hands or a hand equivalent (stick) except soccer!  What gives?  If a ball is flying at my face, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm going to put my hands up and swat that black and white flying meteorite away from my nose!  Deviated my septum once and that was enough for this girl :)  On the upside, my deviated septum is one step closer to proving that Jennifer Aniston and I are actually kindred spirits :)

3.) Substitutions- There are no substitutions in life!  You can't voluntarily elect to leave a game.  If I voluntarily elected to leave a dance performance or cheerleading competition, my teacher/coach would tell me to turn in my pointe shoes/pom poms and have a nice life!

4.) Counting up???  So the clock counts up, you tell me?  Again, is this a metric thing?

Why?  Every other sport counts down.  It's what we do!  It helps you feel as sense of accomplishment.  And my Pilates instructor tells me that it also makes the client feel like they have less work to do.  

5.) I don't understand the uniform.  No spandex?  No tight baseball pants?  Count me out!  Also, you're telling me, as a fan, that I am limited to show my support with just a jersey?  Simply just a jersey?  Why no head gear?  I need to show my support for a team with a hat, jersey, bracelets, color coordinating shoes, and probably a foam finger.  I need options!  Plus, I need mulitple hcoices of jersey.  I need an away jersey, a home jersey, an alternate jersey, a throwback jersey, a jersey in a non-sensical color.  These are the things I need to fully show my support for a team!  How will you know that I heart my team if I can't color coordinate my uniform to your uniform every game?  

6.) I don't understand why there are no cool mascots.  Do you have a lovable unidentified species running around your stadium slapping people with his belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly?  No?  Then I want NO PART OF YOUR SHENANIGANS!  

This is sports people!  This is America!  Hotdogs being knocked down by a green thing!

7.)  I'm confused as to what to eat at a soccer game.  Baseball game?  Hotdog and beer.  Got it.  Football? Just beer. No food needed.  Basketball?  Nachos!  I understand this.  Dance Competitions?  Water.  Cheerleading competitions?  Apples and water.  Soccer???  More question marks!!!  I don't know what to eat here!  

8.)  I don't understand why the soccer players are so beautiful.  Why do you have sexier legs than me?  Why do you use more gel than me?  Why do all of you look like Gucci and D&G models?  Why do you all have such a low BMI?  Have you seen American athletes?  HUGE!  Larger than life human beings.  Very high BMIs, scruffy, pale, these are the types of athletes I'm used to looking at.  I don't want your beautiful faces clouding my vision of athlete.  Good Lord!  How do any of you get anything done?  I would just be standing there awkwardly in awe of your beauty.  

This would be me the WHOLE time!

9.)  Why is the World Cup on during the day?  I know, I know, time zones and this is a world championship not like the World Series where America basically plays against other Americans...yet we call ourselves World Champions?  But if the game is on at 6 am?  You can bet that I am most definitely NOT going to watch the game.  I will only rise before sunrise for 3 reasons:
  • Shopping
  • Travel
  • Royal Weddings
Soccer?  Not one of the three.  Athletic events should be played after dark or on the weekend (presumably because of American culture of linking alcohol with professional sporting events) because more people can watch the game and cheer along.  

10.) Ties.  I know this has been fully exhausted but I'm gonna jump on it anyway.  There are no ties in life.  Maybe this is a metric thing?  But in America?  WE DO NOT TIE!  We have rules in sports to prevent ties.  We use words like overtime, extra innings, shoot out, and my personal favorite...sudden death!  Sheesh!  We hate ties so much we have linked beating a tie with violence!  We literally have competitions to prevent ties in all aspects of our life.  Fast food restaurants have loyalty cards which are competitions to see how many burritos (lerve Panchero's!) and/or cups of coffee you have demolished!  There's a famous scene in the all important sitcom Full House where Uncle Jesse (hot) and Joey (creepy thanks to Alanis Morissette's anthem You Outta Know) competed in chair spinning.  Long story longer--America doesn't tie!  

To sum up, this is a confession about all of the things I don't understand about soccer.  

Are you a soccer fan?  If so can I ask why? Not in a snarky way, but in a legit way.  




  1. I don't mind soccer.. EXCEPT FOR THE TIE GAME!!! NO. SOMEONE MUST WIN!!! That's how competition works. Someone wins, someone loses. You can't just NOT win or NOT lose. WTF?

  2. Exactly! I'm a huge sports fan because of the competition aspect of it and the fact that any one at any time can win the game. Don't tie! Keep playing!

  3. Sorry I can't agree, I absolutely love soccer and the World Cup is the most important thing to me right now... lol

  4. To each their own lol I'm just not a soccer girl