Thursday, February 13, 2014

Actual Real Life Humans That Exist At The Movies


That's NJ for hello!  

This past weekend my family and I went to go see Monuments Men.  A great cinematic adventure made even more magical by the fact that the movie theater had reclining seats.  Not only seats--LAZY BOYS!!!  Like big, plushy, butt sinks into the leather, seats.  Heaven on Earth!  The movie was great and I enjoyed it, as a history nerd I couldn't help but point out historical inaccuracies.  If you've ever seen a history movie with me you know this is a bad habit of mine.  I'm just a snob.  Get over it.  

Anyway, when I was at the movie I noticed some people.  Why?  Because I am a serial people watcher.  Like I go outdoor restaurants just to watch the people.  And eat dessert.  Duh.

Here are some real life people I noticed.

The Newly Dating Daters:

You can spot these people because the girl is still wearing skinny jeans.  She has not evolved into the yoga pants phase yet.  The boy is still holding up the wall while she leans her whole body into him and they're making out.  This is Monuments Men.  NOT 50 SHADES OF GREY!  You don't need to make out during probably the least sexy movie of all time.  There's no kissing at all in it.  George Clooney (the sexiest man alive) didn't write any kissing into it.  You know why?  Because it's NOT ROMANTIC!  Say no way to PDA.

The Love-Me-Long-Time Daters:

She's in yoga pants and texting and he finally got to pick the movie.  That's why they're at the 10:25 pm showing of Monuments Men (a film with no romance) and she's texting and wearing sweats.  

The Movie Buff:

This man is a movie fan.  He has seen ALL.THE.MOVIES.  All of them.  Every film ever created.  Just make the mistake like the poor schmucks next to me did and ask him about them.  Instant regret on their part...

He's the kinda guy you wanna do a Jimmy Kimmel Live like thing and ask him about movies that have not been created just to see his smug little self tell you (in detail) about the intricate plot lines.  He uses words like characterization, mood, theme, and motif.  Ironically, he attended the movie alone.

The Early People:

That would be my family.  

Okay, we got to the movie about 45 minutes before it starts.  Why?  Oh because some people (cough cough) don't understand that when a place is 20 minutes will always be 20 minutes away.  No, no one moved the theater 30 more minutes away.  No we don't have to buy tickets (Thank you Fandango).  No. No. No.  Everything is fine.  It's 20 minutes away.  Well, we leave about an hour before the start time.  Once we arrive, 45 minutes early beeteedubs, we just stand around our theater waiting for the previous showing to let out.  After exchanging glances at my Deb for 5 minutes, she says, "I'm sorry I thought it would take longer to get here."  

Side note-I love my Deb but sometimes I'm like the movie won't start early.  

Anyway, people from the previous showing start to file out of the theater and we meet...

The Crier:

Every movie has one.  This movie wasn't sad.  America comes in and saves the day!  George Clooney and Matt Damon are both alive and the world is good!  Hitler has been defeated and America has bested the rest of the Axis powers!  Good.  Day.  For.  Alll.  However, one lady came out bawling her eyes out.  Like not little tears.  Nope.  Full on sobs!  I turn to my Deb and say, "In 2 hours that will be you."  She smiles because she knows I speak the truth.

The Awesome Older Ladies:

These ladies are in their late 60s early 70s and are too cool for school, too cool for rules, and too cool for me.  

I'm not going to lie I can't wait to be an old lady.  They're just too fab!  These ladies were wearing furs. Real life furs to an 8 pm movie in suburbia.  They know what's up!  Anyway, as they're leaving they are talking in cryptic code and I overhear this:

"Let me know if you are going to wear anything tomorrow, Joyce," Cool Old Lady #1.
"Oh, believe me," Joyce replies over her fur laden shoulder, "If I do?  You will be the FIRST to know."  

Tomorrow in this case refers to Sunday.  What kinda crazy things are you ladies doing on The Lord's Day?!

Joyce and Cool Old Lady #1 are the most awesome people in the theater!

Quiz Boy:

As said people are filing out of the movie theater, the movie attendant decides to ask each and every person how the movie was.  I didn't know there would be a quiz at the end of the film, so I haven't prepared my answer.  Will I go with great!  Does that not sound enthusiastic enough?  Should I go with AWESOME and be THAT girl?  Fine is definitely off the table because that's how you refer to a sub par diner meal.  Do I go with Roeper and say 5 Stars!?  I immediately start to feel my collar closing in.  

The Quiz Boy actually expects an answer?!  What does he think this is?  The South?  We are NJ!  Don't talk to us!  And surely don't expect an answer with actual formed human speech.  No, the majority of people give him a smile and nod.  

He actually cares what the people are saying!  He makes appropriate comments back to them and affirms their judgement.  What is this!?

Anyway, he finally puts the Socratic Method to bed and moves on with his movie theater cleaning thing.  

The I'm-Just-Gonna-Check-Couple:

These TWO!  Everyone knows them!  Hopefully you aren't them.  These two arrive at 10:10 and see us all standing around (oh you know about 20 people) and still, STILL, they check the theater door to see if the movie theater is open.  Really guys?  You think we all forgot to check the lock status on the door?  Do you think we've never seen a door?  That the door is this anomaly and it is up to you two geniuses to decode for us the opposable thumb's magical powers of opening things?  I'm sorry please proceed with your investigation of the door and exclude the 20 some human context clues that the door is in fact not meant to be opened at this time.  


So the genius tries the door.  Finds it open but then is promptly told by Quiz Boy that the theater isn't ready.  The guy turns to us and says, "I just had to check."  


We know.  We all know.  He and his lady friend then sat directly in front of the theater doors.  As in, so close, that they would/will/are most definitely going to hit him once Quiz Boy opens them.  We're all waiting with bated breath hoping and a wishing and a praying that this happens.  Unfortunately for us, his lady friend advises him to move back.  So he does.  RATS!  About one foot back to be exact.  Yup, yup, he has to be first in the theater.  

The Non-Movie-Theater-Appropraite-Snack-Guy:

Also, THIS GUY!  Yup the same checker of doors guy was eating non-movie theater snacks.  Here are a list of movie theater snacks as approved by Dane Cook and me:

  • candy
  • popcorn
  • Blue Icees
  • Soda
  • Fruit
  • Water
That is it!  Literally, those are your six choices. 

No, no.  Not THIS GUY!  This guy had 6 chicken wings.  

And a PIZZA!!  


He also had a fork.  I didn't know why as seeing that he had no fork-needing foods.  I was intrigued to say the least.  About 20 seconds later he showed the now captivated audience why he had the fork.  TO SCRATCH HIS LEG!  I'm not even kidding.  By now we're all grossed out but he keeps scratching.  I'm like "honey, you shoulda gone to a dermatologist about 8 scratches ago...Get that checked out!"

Now, once Quiz Boy has deemed the theater pristine and the sanitary equivalent of a hospital (you're not fooling anyone...we know you just wiped up the popcorn, you didn't even bring out the Lysol wipes for the chairs) SCRATCHY MCNONMOVIETHEATERAPPROPRIATEFOODGUY bounces up and runs in.  Yes it took all my strength not to jump and dodge and elbow my way into the theater first.  Snaps for Erin!!

You woulda thought that once in the theater the madness would have stopped.  



And he had to find the Musical Sweet Spot like he was Sheldon Cooper!

You are not Dr. Sheldon Cooper!  Plus this theater has assigned seats!  Seats you ordered online like everyone else!  He did try to get new seats by the way.  I think he was successful.

The Judgey Family:

That's my family.  That we be us.  The three of us stand there drinking our cokes and just observing.  Making comments in our heads.  It's nice to look out at the world and be the normal ones for a hot minute.  

The Sleeping Couple:

After the movie, as we're all filing out and Deb has once again reprised her role as The Crier, we notice a sleeping couple.  This is by no fault of their own:  DID I MENTION THIS PLACE HAS RECLINERS?  And yes people frequently bring pillows and blankets.  The arm rest also folds down so you can actually cuddle, too.  Great Invention!  Because America doesn't have enough PDA filling it's streets.  I digress. Anyway, these two sweethearts are sleeping all romantic comedy chic style and guess what my fellow fine Americans do?  Wake them?  Nope.  Gently nudge them that the movie is over?  Oh no.  Nope.  They start taking pictures of the sleeping duo!  This is why I love America!  Oh you're sleeping and I should probably wake you up before Quiz Boy comes in and badgers you with Stabler and Benson like questions?  Psych!  I'm gonna take pix of you, "And I'll put it on Instagram!"  That is a direct quote from someone.

Some people photobombed the sleeping beauties, too.

I was kinda proud of the photobomber's creativity.  

Anyway, have you ever seen movie theater characters?  Thankfully there were no youths present.  That's the perk of being pretentious...very little youths want to see Monuments Men.  



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