Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Constant State of Confusion Or Just Being 22

I don't know about you, but I may not be feeling 22.  22 is confusing.  22 is hard.  22 is not nice.  22 is the age where you start to realize that you may not have it all figured out like you thought you did at 18.  When I was 18 I can tell you with absolute certainty that I knew it ALL.  I knew what I was going to do, what I was going to be, and how I was going to get there.  What I didn't know was how naive I was.  22 year old Erin looks at 18 year old Erin with such admiration yet juxtaposed with disdain.  When I was 18 I will tell you what I thought my life would be like:

18 year old Erin's thoughts on being 22:
-graduate from TCNJ with her bachelors in history and be on track for my master's next year in Special Education/Elementary Education
-College would be just like Legally Blonde/Boy Meets World/Saved By The Bell
-After you graduate you live with your best friends in Monica & Phoebe/Rachel/Joey/Chandler's apartment across the hall from your other best friends and across the street from Ross.
-You magically meet the person you are going to spend your life with sophomore year (I picked sophomore year because I felt I'd give myself a "cushion" of freshmen year to find someone) and fall hopelessly in love and decide your whole future together.
-I would be teaching dance
-I would make friends with people who would forever play a huge part in my life forever and ever Amen!

22 year old Erin's realities on being 22:
-graduate from TCNJ with her bachelors in history and be on track for my master's next year in Special Education/Elementary Education
-College was like Legally Blonde in a sense where I have blonde hair and wear a lot of pink.  All other parts are false.  College was like Boy Meets World in no way at all.  College was like Saved By The Bell in the sense that I know someone named Zach.  That's all.
-I have realized that sometimes God has a bigger plan for you and that everything happens for a reason.  I, myself am still waiting for that reason, but I do subscribe to the theory of Serindipity so I have the highest of hopes.
-I am teaching dance.  Not at my beloved studio anymore (it closed in August) but I am still teaching and loving it!
-I made friends with people who are going to forever play a huge part in my life forever and ever Amen!

I think the main difference between 18 year old Erin walking onto TCNJ campus and 22 year old Erin walking off TCNJ's campus is that 18 year old Erin knew everything.  22 year old Erin is completely confused.  But I've learned that with confusion ultimately comes clarity.  You have to muddle through confusion to find clarity, to find your reason, to find you.  That sometimes, the best decisions you will ever make come from total utter confusion.  When I'm confused, I always go with what my gut tells me.  And every time I have gone with my gut it has ultimately worked it's serindipitous way out.  I may be confused with 40% of my life.  I have no confusion in terms of my future occupation (Queen of the World, duh), my amazing friends, my unbelievably awesome/inappropriate family, but I am confused as to where this beautiful life I have been blessed enough to have will take me.  Some people have all of it figured out.  At 22 they know where they are going to live forever.  At 22 they have their dream job.  At 22 they have found the person they are going to be with.  At 22 they have it all figured out.  
     Every time I complain about not knowing what I'm going to do/where my life will lead/having it all figured out, I remember that all of those amazing things are still in front of me.  I have faith in myself and most importantly God that everything will work out.  One day I will wake up and find that reason for every bit of confusion.  At dinner tonight  my eloquent friend told me, "I wish I knew the reason.  I'm ready for the reason."  As soon as she said this I was transported to a scene from my favorite from Just Married, Brittany Murphy's character says to Ashton Kutcher's character, "If I married Peter I would know exactly how my life would be.  Every day.  But I love not knowing,".  That is one of my favorite quotes.  
      I think in writing this post I have found clarity in my confusion.  I have found that the beauty of being 22 is not knowing.  Not knowing if it will all be okay.  Not knowing when things will happen.  Not knowing if you will get everything you ever wanted or dreamed of.  But most importantly, being 22 is about having belief in serindipity that everything will work itself out and one day you will be swinging on your porch with all of the clarity you will ever need.  



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