A Running Monologue of a (Non-Runner) Half-Marathoner

Happy Monday!

Well, I finally fulfilled one of those crazy goals I set for myself!  I ran a half marathon!  I'm not really sure why I wanted to do a half marathon, but for some crazy reason I had the running bug.  I think I wanted to accomplish something totally off the wall and un-Erin-like.  Anyway, yesterday I finally did it!  13.1 miles of Hell I mean fun...no I mean Hell!  About 2 weeks ago I was doing my last long run and I pulled something in my knee.  It hurt real bad, but I was 3 miles out and didn't have a phone so I had to limp/walk/hop/hobble home.  It was not a fun 3 mile hobble home.  So for the past 2 weeks I took it pretty light, but still moved around.  I was praying that I would be able to run and...I did it!

So Saturday night, the parentals and I went to Philly to pick up my race packet.  There were 1,000s of other people there.  I was pleasantly surprised that there were so many different types of people there.  Of course there were the "Runner People"--the people with 0% body fat and huge leg muscles, but there were also normal people like me.  That made me feel mucho better.  I got a bunch of cute gear!

I think I'm a real runner ;)

Insert Rocky theme song here

Now for the running monologue of my half marathon...

5:30 am-Oh yay race day!  I'm a speed demon!  I'm a running queen!  Who's going to own this?  You are going to own this.  You're a champ.  What if you fall?  Don't fall.  I might fall...you are wearing sneakers.  You only trip in sneakers.
Okay, no make up today because it's race day.  Gotta blow dry the hair because it's still wet and that is not okay.
Okay, maybe some mascara so you don't look like you're sleeping.  Much better!
Mmmm, whole grain bagel time!  Thank you Panera.  I love carbs, I love carbs, I love carbs hey hey hey hey.  I really love Little Rascals. 
Look at my Race Day Outfit.  Stylin' and Profilin'!  Lilly Pulitzer inspired!  Look at my fancy running socks.  I'm a real runner!  Psych!
6:30-Philly really is beautiful this time of day.  Look at the sunrise.  It reminds me of Lion King.  Ahhhhhh, cobinya, abadeebadooo, bumbaioooooo!!! I sound just like the beginning of Circle of Life.  If I wasn't such a bad singer, I'd be great on Broadway!
In 4 hours I'll be done with this bad boy.
7:00-I have to go to the bathroom.  Oh man, portapotty time.  Gross, gross, gross.  Don't think about it. Look at the line for the portapotties.  That's totally gross, that many people are using that little amount of toilets.  Stop thinking about it.  Think about fun things.  Think about Chris Evans.  He's yummy.  He totally wouldn't hit on you...eehhh, maybe.
Okay, if the people behind me continue to bash some of the girl runners I'm gonna get pissed.  Okay, they're now talking about wasted potential.  Really?  Who cares!  Let's just celebrate people exercising and being healthy.  I am going for finishing--not winning any champs!
Is that guy dressed like The Flash?  Yes, yes he is.  Also, there is a couple dressed like squirrels.  Oh, I get it, they're nuts.
Elvis is here, thank you, thank you very much.
7:30-I love race day!  Race day is awesome!  Look at all the fans!  They're cheering for me!  Oh hey, fans!  This must be what Beyonce feels like during her concerts!  I could totally be Beyonce!  Fans please...need to blow my hair!  Look at all the swag I'm gonna get after this race--hello Powerbar!  Hello minibag of pretzels!

Gotta pee again?  I'm gonna miss my corral.  Oh well.  I always pick the longest line.
8:00-It's race time!  Are they playing Rocky?!   Of course they are, it's Philly...and we're running!  Oooooh, my corral is getting close!  I love running!  Please still be good knee!  I'm finishing this thing! Grrrrrr fighting face!  Ok, they're playing Lose Yourself that's my jam!  STOP RAPPING!  You're doing that out-loud!
8:01-my knee hurts!  You're going to win this race!  Not really, but you aren't going to lose.
8:05-This is so much fun!
8:10-Those people are already at mile 5?  It's been 10 minutes!  How fast do they run!?  I'm gonna clap for them because they're champs!
8:20 YUSSSS!  "Wanna hear something crazy?"  "I love crazy" "All my life has been a series of doors in my face"  Who cares if other people hear you, you're running.  Okay, that guy totally heard you because he just glared.  Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, and the players gonna play, play, play.  I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake.  Shake it off, just shake it off!
Need Water Now!  Water!  Yes, there it is!  Crap it's Gatorade!  I don't like Gatorade.  Okay, I'll try it because there's nothing else to drink.  Oh, wait...Lemon Lime Gatorade isn't bad.  Points for Gatorade.  It tastes like the cheap lemonade that is oh so tasty.
8:30-cool there's the Liberty Bell!
8:33-There's Ben Franklin's grave.  Thank you for liberty!
8:35-Coming around the bend...slow down girlie you're not a sprinter.
8:45-5 miles done!  Hello, Deb and Daddy!  I'm going to run in place so you can get my picture.  #Oldpeopleandtechnologydon'tmix

Everybody's happy at Mile 5

9:00-6 miles down.  Alright, alright, alright!  OOooooh, look at that sign!  Worst parade ever!  Can you run slower, I'm trying to count you all.  If Britney Spears can survive 2007, you can survive this.  Only a few more miles til you can drink, You're the slowest person to pass this point so far!  Just keep running, just keep running.  
9:10-What, where is mile 7?  Why are you not here?
9:15-There you are mile 7...Ooooh, look at the Schuylkill River!  Is that a runner...there on the other side?  Wow, that's an overachiever.  Snaps for that guy.  Wait, what?  A lady already finished?  Good for her.  Let's add that to the list of things I'll never be able to do.
9:30-Mile 8.  Why did I sign up for this? I could be sleeping now...um no, I'd be getting up and getting dressed for church.  No pew no chew...and after church means brunch!  God, I love brunch!  Brunch is a great idea.  Brunch means mimosas and salad.  You're not a smart girl, you're an idiot.  Smart girls don't sign up for things like this.  Smart girls sleep.  Sleep is for smart people.  Half marathons are for idiots.
Where is that bridge?  The end of that bridge means I ran 9 miles.  Only 4 left after that.  Aaaand that .1.  Stupid .1!
Look at how beautiful Boat House Row looks?  Ooooh, Penn's boat house.  Where are the cute preppy guys in Nanny Reds?  NOT HERE DUH BECAUSE ONLY THE CRAZIES FIND YOU.  You have that beacon that only lunatics can hear.  Yup, yup, the crazy man next to you?  He's the kind of guy that would love you.  I think he's actually staring at you.
Did I just ingest something called Gu?  Salted Watermelon?  Da hell is that?  Gross stuff.  Don't put anymore of that crap in your mouth.  Throw that out.  Bleck.  Gu...who names their product Gu.  There are other names.  Well, actually, that thing tasted like it should be named Gu.  Or just ewww.
Ooooo, here's the bridge!
9:50-10 Miles!  3.1 to go.  You're a champ!
Ok, yup my hair is a hot mess.  There is a knot in the middle of your ponytail that resembles a rat's nest.   Seksi.  Oh, and the bottom?  Drenched.  Who's hot?
NEED WATER!
WHERE'S THE WATER!
Ok, look at you run in your little Lululemon skirt.  I like your skirt but I can't tell you that because I'm trying to be tough.  Grrr, runners wear shorts by Nike.  Who am I kidding?  My shorts are pink :)  My shoes are pink, too :)
Lululemon Skirt is a great runner.  I can't even see her anymore!
This is a great playlist!  I should be a DJ!  It wouldn't even be hard.  Download some songs, go wikki wikki wikki every few minutes and badabing badaboom you got yourself a career!
I hate running.
I want to stop.
Don't quit.
Think about your students.  They'll motivate you.  They want you to succeed.
Am I crying?  I don't know.  I'm delirious because I'm in pain and exhausted.
You are voluntarily doing this.  No one is forcing you to do this.
I don't know if I want to do this again.
Mile 12!  ALMOST DONE!
I hate running.  I bet Lululemon girl is done.  She's probably drinking air because she has 0% body fat.
Ok, knee killing, hip killing...walk for a smidge.
*Three steps later* "Keep running girl, you got this!" Sweet Running Lady who is 50 passes me with claps.  I start running again.
Oh hey, Schuylkill traffic!  Is that road ever NOT crowded?!   Geez, it's Sunday morning.  *Waving to honking cars*
Oh, wait, is this Independent Woman Part II?  Yes it is!  Sorry, real runners, but non-runners dance to this song.  I'm gonna "throw my hands up in the ayyyair!"
Look at that cool inflatable underpass!  I'll run under that!  That giant guitar is cool!  This would be a cool bouncy guitar ride and slide!
Mile 13!  RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!  Passing people right and left!  Ran past Lululemon skirt girl!
Alllll done!  I'm a champ!  I can run a lot!  I'm a boss!  *Mini-fist pumps!*
I'm gonna take my picture by the cool backdrop.  Giving my phone to the girl behind me because I'm cheap and don't want to pay for the finishing photo.
Gotta find parents.  Want to go home.
OOoooh, free stuff!  Yes, I would like a peanut butter Powerbar.  Yes, I'd love a chocolate milk. Yes, I'm allergic to dairy, but my Dad would love this.  Ooooh, mini airplane pretzels!  Great!  Deb will like those!  Let me get Deb a banana, too!  Oooooh! Water bottles...I also took some ice.  Shhhh, don't tell.  I think it's okay though, other people did it...And  I mean it's ice.  It's frozen water.  Water is free...it's right there in the Schulkill.

Look at that bling!

Totally gross but loving being done!

In summation I'm glad I did it and after I passed the finish line I felt awesome.  I don't know if I really want to do this again.  Rock and Roll puts on a great Half!  It was very organized and awesome.  If you want to do a half, I highly suggest it.  The best part about your first Half?  You always PR ;)

Also, I'm really proud of myself.  I worked really hard and trained my butt off.  This was a huge goal of mine and I'm proud of myself for finishing.  You can do anything you want as long as you try really hard...and have a great outfit/shoes/playlist!

Love,

Erin