What The Phillies Game Is Not

Over my years as a baseball fan and frequent CBP attendee I have noticed some peculiar behavior that I think needs to be remedied.  Here is my list!

What the Phillies Game is Not:

 1)   Prom…leave the maxis at home ladies.  Yes you look gorgeous.  Yes your Instagram fans will “like” your selfies, BUT Citizens Bank Park is a place for jerseys, shorts, and hats.  If you want to impress a guy at the game, learn the game.

  2)   The Beach…no need for bikinis at the ball park please.  I’m trying to eat my chicken fingers here!

   3)   The office…come on how hard is it to throw a jersey in the back of your Bentley.  We all know your super important and just came from probably the world’s largest merger, but come on, you know you’re going to the game. 

   4)   Da Club…tops and shorts should cover your totties and your eh hem…

   5)   A place to support a team that is not playing…I thought this was self explanatory until I saw multiple people wearing random baseball, football, hockey, and basketball accoutrements to the Phillies/Giants game.  Pick a side…you don’t have full liberty to wear any team you want.  You have two options:  The Phillies or whoever they are playing.

   6)   A time to wear your stilettoes…seriously?  The nosebleed section is hiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhhh.  I consider myself to be in pretty good shape and I still get winded walking up 4 flights of concrete steps.  No one wants to fall out of the cheap seats.  That’s not cute.  Don’t do wedges either because it’s dangerous. There is spilled soda, beer, ketchup…you will fall and no one wants that.  Stick to sneakers, flip flops (even though I think it’s gross because you should shield your toes from the ground) or Sperry’s. 

   7)   A place for Crocs.  Just…ugh…people need to stop making them.  They’re like fetch, they’re NEVER going to happen!  Put them in your closet.  Lock them away.  Let them die in dignity!

   8)   A time to talk about your sock drawer…seriously I sat in front of a guy who was dealing with the dilemma of what to do with your navy sock and your black sock.  This isn’t an 8^th inning dilemma.  An 8^th inning dilemma is how are we gonna keep our lead.

   9)   A place for people who get offended by booing.  We’re Philly, we boo ANYONE/EVERYONE, get used to it. 

   10)                  Fancy Food.  Baseball games require fried food and soda.  And cotton candy.  That is it!!  No sushi, no chicken chow mein, no salads.  EVER.

   11)                  A place for reading.  This is not a library or your quiet study where you can curl up with The Bronte sisters and sip Chamomile tea.  This is a baseball game, leave your Kindle at home.

   12)                  A place for Papelbon to blow Cole Hamels 8^th inning shut out.

Notice the hat, jeans, Phillies insignia.  

*Yes I do have make up on and curled hair.  I'm doing this because I understand that the general public deserves to see my best self and I would not subject them to the curmudgeon and troll that I am when I go au natural.  You're WELCOME!

Why Denzel Washington Should Be Andy Reid's Replacement

     
     Soooooooo, with Andy Reid graciously leaving (I agree that we need a change but I will be sad that he's leaving.  He's an iconic person in Philadelphia sports' history and deserves that much respect.  I wish him all the best with his future NFL endeavors.) the Philadelphia Eagles are in search of their next coach.  I have taken it upon myself to help narrow the selection for Jeff Lurie.  Here are my top 5:

1) Denzel Washington
2) Coach Beast
3) Matthew McConaughey
4) Pat Summitt
5) Rudy Ruettiger


I think Denzel is our safest bet.  Here are my reasons

1) Geography:

Denzel's son goes to UPenn.  Therefore he's already in the area/knows the people/gets the vibe of the city/MOST importantly he knows how nuts Philly Phans are!  WE BLEED GREEN!


2) Acting Cred:

Denzel has played everyone.  Literally EVERYONE!  He was a Civil War Hero in Gettysburg, a gangsta, a pilot, fairy-tale voiceover, and he even filmed on location in Philly for Philadelphia.  He's been nominated for numerous Oscars and Golden Globes.  He's perfect.  He will study up and be ready come Training Camp.  


3) Football Knowledge:

We ALL saw Remember the Titans.  He coached TC Williams' High School to a winning season.  He overcame adversity, racial divides, lack of skill/talent, personality conflicts, and violence.  He's a great coach.  If he just channelled Coach Boone he would be GOLDEN!!  He also is tough as nails!  His "If you drop my football, you run a mile!" quote is amazing and so inspirational.  Also, training camp would be a blast!  I think the Eagles should interview each other to get to know each other better.  So Cute!!  Also, Ryan Gosling will tap dance.  The Rev and Louie will duet.  All of this is just perfect and not something they have ever done before.  #Yourmamajokesrunwildpuuuhhhllleeeeeze


4) Built In (Trustworthy) Staff:

Hayden Panettiere, as Cheryl of course, could be our new announcer.  

Coach Yoast is a great Assistant Coach!

Louis Lastik, great high school lineman, plus he has a great personality!!  Philly girls will eat him up!  And Geno's will be glad that he's here!  And since I doubt he will be reprising his role as Frankie in the upcoming and much anticipated (and feared) Girl Meets World.  He could be O Line coach!  



5)  Ryan Gosling

I know that I don't really need to give anyone a reason why Ryan Gosling is an additional bonus main reason that Denzel should come coach the Birds. In my mind, they are clearly friends, like besties status.  Ryan will want to come to support his main man Denzel.  Therefore Denzel will bring Ryan to Philadelphia and make every woman in the tri-state area swoon and happy.  The living embodiment of the Ryan Gosling memes in our very own backyard!  EEK!  


Okay people, so while the Philadelphia Phans are waiting with bated breath, I just want you to let this idea roll around in your phanatical minds.  Denzel is our guy.  The remaining cast of Remember the Titans can feel free to come along, too.  Because I think they are stronger together than apart.  


xoxo,

Er