Mixed Signals

Happy Tuesday!

I'm currently wearing sweats and sitting inside because it's freezing (ok it's 77 degrees) and pouring rain!  NOT HAPPY!

It seems to be clearing up though, so I may go enjoy the albeit brief, sunshine.

So let me tell you what's been going on with life lately instead of cryptically posting things on this blogaroo about a mean boy.

So, if you're of age, pour yourself a glass of champs and cozy up.

About 5 months ago, a boy came out of the blue and we started dating and had a blast.  About a week in he told me that his ex was trying to get him back.  Being the confident girl I am I blew it off with a, "don't worry I don't scare easy" attitude and thought nothing of it.  Well, about a month later he broke up with me for her.  I liked him because we were complete opposites.  I'm super Type-A, over analytical, organized, and enjoy going out.  He is laid back, fly by the seat of your pants, and a homebody.  I liked him because he balanced me out.  He made me have a more Type-A- personality.  I did the usual blow off at common places where I saw him and went about my life like a champ.  Then, we started talking and flirting all the while he still had a girlfriend.  Not my best decision or judgement, but it was harmless.  Then, he left for the summer and I moved on.  Like I really moved on, I stopped checking his Facebook as any post-break up masochist does (come on, you've all done it :)) and I started to feel like my old self.  

Cut to life post-move, he haunts me.  We've all heard of relationship ghosts.  They leave only to return when you think you are over them and moving on.  Carrie Bradshaw says it best:


You do this every time! Every time! What? Do you have some sort of radar? Carrie might be happy - it's time to sweep in and shit all over it? -Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and The City, American Girl in Paris Part I

Do boys, I'm not even going to dignify them as men because men, real men, don't pull this crap, really have some sort of radar?  I feel like as soon as I'm over this particular guy, he comes in and wrecks my progress.  

So I've been doing what any logical, intelligent, single woman in my Louboutins would do…I consult my iPod, Taylor Swift, and Pinterest to solve my life dilemmas.  


At Saturday's concert, Taylor told me (and 60k other people) that relationships should be simple--you can go or you can STAY.  I listened and was like, yes, Taylor gave me a definitive sign!  Thank you Tay Tay.  Then, the ghost came back yesterday.

Then, I consulted my iPod--Tay's Clean came on.  Great!  Tay sent me another sign!  Then, Tay sent me a mixed message--I Wish You Would came on.  Grrrrrrr.

When your iPod and Taylor are both indecisive, it's time to turn to Pinterest.  I logged in and this was the first pin I saw on my dashboard.

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I really identified with it.  Sometimes I (like my homegirl Andi Dorfman) feel like if/when a relationship goes south, you have personally failed.  As a Type-A girl, I can't fail.  I don't do well with failure.  I never learned to accept failure well.  But maybe failed relationships aren't really failures.  Maybe, they are lessons that we are meant to help us eventually win.  

I know that I deserve better than the crumbs of attention that Ghost Boy doles out at his whim.  I need to expunge the ghost by telling him to go away.  I just can't.  It's weird and messy and complicated, but I can't.  

I'm going to try to let this go.  I'm going to try and not respond to his texts, wave like he's just an acquaintance when I see him, and realize that everything isn't meant for forever.  

I found solace in this quote because it tells us, that some people are just meant to come in for a brief moment to teach you a lesson--something tangible for you to take with you on this fun little journey through life.  

Sorry for the downer post, but I wanted to be open with you all about what's been going on.  

Have you ever experienced a ghost like me?  How did you get rid of the ghost?

Love love love,

E

How To Completely Fail an Observed Lesson

Happy Thursday!


Today I had a completely different post idea ready to go but then the day's events were what they were and thus I have scrapped that idea and gone with this one instead.

Today I bombed my observed lesson.  Like really bombed.  This may have been the worst I have ever been.  EVER.  It was ugly.  I'm going to be the first to admit that it was completely my fault.  I take full responsibility for the fail whale that was my lesson.

Here's what happened!

1.)  Today was the first day I ever taught a whole group lesson in my 4th grade placement.  Previously I have been observing, monitoring, working 1:1 with students on specific skills-never full group.  Mistake numero uno.  NEVER I REPEAT NEVER schedule an observation for your first taught lesson in a placement.  It will be bad because you are green and you don't know anything.  I'm not beating myself up I'm being realistic.  You have a rapport with the students, yes, but not an instructional rapport. Scheduling your observation on your first day teaching a new subject is not a ballsy move.  It's stupid.  (Side note, this was a scheduling issue, not my first choice of days.  Still, I should have not said yes to this dress day)

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2.) The actual lesson and teaching part was fine.  I taught a math review lesson.  I didn't tell kids 5+7=46463 or any of that nonsense.  It was classroom management.  Classroom management has to be the hardest thing to learn.  Honestly, I think you can have all the behavior charts, positive behavior supports, and red/yellow/green cards your Pinterest heart can handle and you can still screw this up.  With that being said, this is probably the most important thing to master as a teacher.  You have to have your kids in line or no one will learn.  It is that simple.  Sometimes you look up from working with a student and this is what you see:

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JK it wasn't like that at all.  There were a few kids who finished early and walked around to talk to friends (next time I will have work for them), a few kids got too loud, (I will monitor them better), and some kids lost focus.

3.) Writing on a SMARTboard is hard.  Diamond hard.  There is no feasible way to write on the board without blocking someone's view.  Unless maybe I squat under it and point like, "Hey kids just ignore me squatting here under the board. Y'all can all see right?"  I am a great wall.  

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It's hard to find a spot in a classroom where you can watch 23 little munchkins, write on the board, be entertaining, and move around like I need to.  I can't stand still.

4.) So the lesson got a little crazy in center time.  One of my co-ops had to tell my group to be quiet.  Never Good.  NEHVER. GUUUUD.  It ended...awkwardly.  There was no conclusion because I could not tell if my co-ops were done with their groups yet (maybe we'll come up with a signal of sorts for next time?) so my advisor asked to see me in the hall and, "Bring paper and pencil."  

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So into the hall I went with my tail between my legs.  And she starts the same way she does every time, "So, how do you think it went?" (Side note-I love my advisor!  She's great!  She is honest, direct, a straight shooter, and gives me tough love.  I could not have asked for a better advisor.  The fact that I still like her after she gave me a bad review really says something about her and the level of respect I have for her.)

Gulp.  "I think the lesson went ok, but the classroom management was something I need to work on," I said to her.

"You completely lost control of the class," she deadpanned.  

Cue waterworks.  I started to cry!  Ugly cry!

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She wasn't even mean about it!  Apparently, if you never cry ever until you're 22 years old, all your tears will build a forcefield inside your eyelids and then explode at the drop of a hat whenever something remotely sad happens.  TrueLife I'm a Late in Life Crier.  John Legend is so NOT talking about me when his rich and creamy voice of an angel coos, even when you're crying your beautiful too.  Not true for me.  Now, I'm trying to pull myself together but once I'm gone...apparently...I'm gone.

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So now I'm trying to calm my sobbing self down...

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And it's not getting better.  Worse actually.  A lot worse.  Now my blubbery, snotty, drooly mess of a self is listening to my advisor tell me that I need to stop it because I'm not perfect and she doesn't expect me to be.  She reiterates that I'm new and I'm learning but that's not good enough for this crazy type-A lunatic that is me.  So as I'm sitting bawling my eyes out, contemplating how I am the worst teacher candidate to ever go through the program (my thoughts not hers) and I'm going to screw up the kids so bad that they will all fail the NJASK in two months, I now start apologizing for crying.  Let's add this to the list of emotional instability I display in the work place.  I keep saying I never cry I'm so sorry, and she says, "You're high anxiety and you're too high strung" (ironically this is not the first time I've heard this...probably the only negative about being Type-A).  Now she brings me into the classroom to face my co-op.  Oh, while I was crying all my students are leaving and walking past me.  So there's that.  Coupled with the fact that I won't be there tomorrow means that they'll probably think I've gone insane in the membrane.

So we chat and I start crying harder.  Now I'm embarrassed, crying, and recovering from my fail whale.    

Then my advisor gives me a hug and tells me that I was a good teacher and had a lot of confidence but that I just need to work on my classroom management skills.  So she leaves and my co-op and I chat and I feel better.  Still crying, though.  Can't stop the waterworks.  

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My advisor leaves and leaves me blubbering with my co-op.  My co-op calms me down and we start talking about math terminology because it's, "not emotional at all."  LOLZ!  Made me smile, then snorty tears some more.  It made it worse that I could not control myself.

We chatted, everything was fine, I went about making my lessons for tomorrow.  I ended up leaving too late to make it to Pilates :(

So this is going to be the Serindipity moment.  I tweeted Sometimes the best part of bombing your lesson is knowing that it can't get worse and CNN_Tube favorited it?  That's a random win.  

Then, I cried on the drive home...

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Because who doesn't want to be known as the emotionally unstable student teacher?  Hi yes, please hire me after this 3 months of daily job interviews, and yes I did cry.  For an hour.  But that shows heart and passion and a determination to be the best!  No?  It shows that I'm the mayor of Crazytown?  Okthanksit'sbeenfuni'llhaveagreatlife!  I had a not-so-desired Sex and the City moment (how come I rarely have the good SATC moments but always the awkward ones?) and had flashbacks to Charlotte when she says that she cried once and suddenly it's like don't make Charlotte cry.  

I learned a lot today.  I learned that I need to relax because I still got good marks (not great ones but what are you going to do), I learned that I love my job and take it seriously.  I learned you're not always going to be perfect.  I learned I'm not okay with not being perfect.  Something to work on.  Being a perfectionist is not always a great thing. 

I also learned that giving up sugar for Lent is not a great idea.  Since I wanted it so bad today I made a smoothie to combat my sugar craving.  

But what do we always tell our students?  Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn.  If you don't make mistakes you won't learn or become better.  So here's to knowing that it can only get better!  Also, I like to think that Jackie O cried once in a while, too!

So I did what any lunatic Type-A girl would do...

Browsed Pinterest for inspirational quotes!  

Cheesy?  Velveeta level yes!  Accurate though!

So there you have it!  My fail whale of a day!  Sometimes we cry and bawl in front of our co-op, but like Dolly says, you gotta put up with the rain.  Anyway, good news is:  It can only get better!  It really can't get any worse!  And as JPG says

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Happy Friday!

xoxo,

Erin

What Shoveling The Snow Is Not

Welcome to Snowstorm Hercules NJ!

I had another post, a more serious musing, scheduled for today but I will post that one later.  Try not to let the anticipation kill you.

Well, first some background info to help your schema's adapt and better comprehend the incoming information.  Deb usually shovels us out.  Mostly because she's quite the outdoors woman a speech therapist and is off for snow days.  Dylan has helped her in the past as has my dad, but Dylan was needed at work (some people need their alcohol okay people regardless of if we have a State of Emergency) and my dad had to go to work, too.  So I do the nice daughter thing and text Deb asking if she could wait til 10 to start shoveling.  (I'm not a morning person and texting is the only form of communication I partake in before I'm "officially awake")  She replied don't help me stay in and be warm.  Deb has a process and doesn't like us to mess up her work.  So I was a good little daughter and obliged.  Well, Hurricane Daddy came in bawking about me getting up to help my mother.  Did you ever notice that when parents want you to help someone they always make it your relative.  Like go help your father in the garage.  No parent would ever say go help my husband in the garage.  No because then they would feel obliged to help them.  Tricky little thing discourse is, isn't it?  I digress.  So I get up put on my winter clothes and then try to find a non baseball hat.  Found one, from an American Girl Match My Doll outfit I rocked in Intermediate School.  hashtag lookinghot!  And trudge out their.  I shoveled for about 45 minutes and then we were done.  (Yes we have a snow blower but it never seems to be working.  Also, no one listens to me when I say, 'let's just go buy a new one?')  So here is a collective of things I thought about/complained about/hated.


What I said or thought before and during/excuses as to why I shouldn't/don't want to be Snow Shoveling Erin:

• I don't want to.
• I don't own snow pants. (Also, this is not a gift opportunity.  It is my choice not to own them so I can avoid all snow removal related activities)
• My jaw feels like it's tightening up
• You do it
• It's too cold
• Can I pay my way out of this?
• Dylan should have stayed home to help Deb.  He really doesn't pull his own weight here.
• My back hurts from Pilates
• This is a boy job.
• My hat makes my hair look stupid.
• I don't care if it's a good workout
• In my wedding vows my husband will say, "I promise to love, honor, and shovel the snow out for you."  And mine will say, "I promise to love, honor, and have chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven when you come in from shoveling said snow."
• Seriously, how much could that township fine be?  Can we just pay it?
• Why did I ever think this was fun to play in?  It's freaking cold out here!
• That's it!  I'm leaving!  I'm moving to San Diego.  It's warm, they have a beach, and if it ever does snow I'll be way ahead of the game.  
• Deb is so young, she can totally do this herself.  She's a trailblazer both figuratively and literally.  
• Is sleeping through this worth getting yelled at and Catholic Guilted?  *The answer is yes*
• I'm going to figure out the engineering behind dog sled snow removal.  Get ready, Cody!
• My eyes are frozen.  NO ONE BELIEVED ME!

What Shoveling Snow Is Not:

• Winter Crossfit
• An opportunity to defy and reestablish gender roles
• An opportunity to show off how cute my hot pink Hunter boots are
• An opportunity to dance on the ice (you will get yelled at for A) Dangerous activity B) That's not helping)
• Fun.  It sucks.
• A place to be without my sunglasses.
• Ugh, I can't run into get my sunnies because I'll traipse mud and slush through the house thus getting yelled at even more.
• A time for my iPod to play the songs I NEVER listen to!  My hands are frozen into my gloves and I can't change the song.  Side note, "tech gloves" never seem to work when you need them to.  I don't wanna jam to the Romeo & Juliet Overture.  
• A place for a logical/meaningful/important/any at all conversation.  My ears are frozen off...plus I'm listening to some very loud classical music now and I can't do anything about it.  I'm gonna nod at you until you stop talking.  Also, if you could use hand gestures and pointing to clue me in over here, I would greatly appreciate it.  
• A place for me to bang my shovel on the ground and say:

• Oh, wow, really?  Yes I did shovel a lot I'm so proud of myself.  SAID NO ONE EVER.  This is not a place to see my accomplishments of snow removal.  I don't care if, "Look you shoveled all of this!"  I did not want to be here in the first place.

My feelings in video form:

I DO NOT CARE

So, now I'm all done.  It really wasn't that bad.  I'm off to enjoy some snow day appropriate activities like reading, eating, watching movies, marathoning Netflix, wear yoga pants, have a hot mess hair day.

Anyway,  I hope every stays safe and warm this snowy snowy snow day.  Don't shovel too much!  

xoxo,

Erin

Photo Sources:

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3r3ag4 (Christmas Vacation)

http://www.troll.me/meme/you-shall-not-pass (Gandolf)

http://indiependentmind.tumblr.com/post/49085322649/chandler-bing-is-my-alter-ego (Chandler)

Video Sources:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUASznyVWd4

23rd Birthday Fail Whale

Welp I'm officially 23!!  I'm kinda excited!?  I've never been too scared of growing up because I think you're only as old as you think  you are and I'm officially 9 forever!  So at 11:57 on Friday the 13th (mwahhahaha...that was supposed to be scary/creepy but I think it came out...um differently?  I don't know.  I tried :)) I played TSwizzle's 22 for the last time.  As I listened to the lyrics I thought all about my 22nd year of life and all of the lessons I learned.  I would like to bestow some of my green 23 year old knowledge on you all:

• Take the chance!
• Just do it!  You'll regret it so much more if you don't.  The chance I took this year was getting bangs.  Just Kidding!  I don't rock bangs because of a cowlick lol.  Now I don't usually post about my personal life, but I think this is something I should write about because I'm nosy love reading about other people's lives on blogs.  So my chance was trying a new confusionship after a few years of bad dates.  Did I end up getting my feelings hurt?  Absolutely!  Was it worth it?  I'm not sure?  I keep thinking that maybe once I'm more removed from it I'll be able to judge it better, but as my blog's namesake says, Serindipity is law.  But I had a blast while it was good and I don't regret it.  
• Be grateful!
• I think it's easy to get caught up in your own personal pity party every once in a while and I know I throw myself a pity party sometimes when I'm feeling low but when I get sad I just count my blessings.  I listen to Martina McBride's Blessed and say, "God, family, friends, school, a job, ability to move, books, a house, a computer, clothes, jewelry, candy, chocolate cake, food, water, ambition, freedom, America, faith, hope, and love."  I am so blessed and sometimes it's important to say thank you for all the things we have.  
• Be awkward!
• I think I spent 21 years trying to hide my awkwardness but I think at 22 I owned my dorkiness, my randomness, my inappropriateness, and my silliness and I think it makes me a better person.  It surely makes my life more fun!  People respond well to awkward!
• Cherish your friends!
• I couldn't exist without my friends!  They give me the best advice (do I always take it?  Nope, I should, but I don't), they pick me up when I'm sad, they make me laugh until my ribs hurt, and they love me.  I am so lucky to have them!  They're just the most fun and amazing group of warm hearted individuals in the world.  
• Try!
• Just do it!  You'll be happy that you did!  
• Listen to your heart!
• Get out of your head.  I'm serious!  This is coming from a chronic over-thinker.  Just smile and go okay heart whatever you say.  Your head will follow suit if you are happy!
• Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows tell you shit about your life!
• Truth!  

Candles, cake, champs!

Okay so 23 was a fail whale!  This was the first time my birthday fell on a weekend since I was like 12.   I was all set to go out with my amazeballs friends and go walk around South Street and enjoy the cute Mids and Cadets that were invading Philly for the Army/Navy Game.  Well...God and His snow had other plans.  I cancelled my party because I didn't want my friends to endanger their lives from driving from all over the state to come party with me.  So I was super bummed!  Maybe it was a sign from God?  A little Serindipity?  Maybe?  PROBABLY!

Anyway, I went to Panera for a bagel and they were out of my chocolate chip bagels!  Sad.  Then I went to Target/Lowes/Target again for a tree light revival gun!  Every 23 year olds dream way to spend their birthday, right?  Lies!  Then I came home and relaxed.  Then we went Christmas shopping.  We grabbed dinner at a pizza place that is close by and they have the best Florentine Pizza.  They were OUT!  More Fail Whale!  The night turned around though.  Since my party was cancelled I had extra money in my budget to shop!  Hello J. Crew pearl bracelet and Victoria's Secret yoga pants!  I finished up Christmas shopping and then we came home and I had my vocally talented (psych) family sing to me and we ate cake!  Not just regular cake, amazing Wegman's double chocolate cake!  The best food of all time!!!!  Then presents!  I got a cute J. Crew hat, a pet adoption tee, and an Alex and Ani bracelet with my beloved Phils emblem on it!  Dylan gave me a Lilly Pulitzer frame!  I loved it!  So cute!  Now, what picture to put in it?  Does anyone else get this way?   I have a slew of picture-less frames because I never know which pix to put in them.  I digress.  Okay so here are some pix of my prezzies!

CAKE!  HEAVEN!  CAKE!

This is so delicious!  I just don't even care that I look crazy here.

Hat and bracelet!!  Pretty much obsessed!

So my birthday was kind of a Fail Whale but I came to this conclusion.  Last year I had an amazing 22nd birthday and the year was ehhhh.  This birthday was ehhh so you know what that means?!  The year will be amazing!  And it really will be!  I will graduate with a Master's Degree (eeeek such a grown up!), I'll get a big girl job (so pumped!  I just wanna be a teacher!), and I'll be going on a self-lead Kennedy's tour of Massachusetts and Rhode Island!  I'll also be visiting my beloved New Orleans and training for my first half marathon!  (I'm gonna run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in 2015!!) So here's to 23 and a year of fabulousity!

xoxo,

Erin